Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

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Book: Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader Read Online Free PDF
Author: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
invested his life savings of 580,000 bahts—about $13,000—in a mutual fund at the Government Savings Bank. The 65-year-old had hoped to use the interest from his nest egg for his retirement. But by 2001, the fund had lost two-thirds of its value. Kotchasit blamed the bank.
    WHAT HE DID: On August 14, 2001, Kotchasit walked into the local branch of his bank with a bag, tore it open, and drenched himself with human excrement. “It is more bearable than the stink of mismanagement,” he said. He told reporters that he had spent five days planning the protest.
    OUTCOME: Account closed.
    Shakespeare’s daughter was illiterate.
    PROTESTORS: Six hundred women in Escravos, Nigeria
    BURNING ISSUE: The exploitative practices of oil giant ChevronTexaco, whose multibillion-dollar refinery operations took place next to their impoverished villages.
    WHAT THEY DID: In July 2002, the women—unarmed—stormed Nigeria’s main oil export terminal and threatened to strip naked. They took 1,000 workers hostage and completely halted all traffic in and out of the terminal and said that if any of the workers tried to leave the plant, they would take off their clothes—a powerful shaming gesture in Nigeria. Furthermore, they vowed to stay until negotiations with oil officials began.
    OUTCOME: Talks began immediately, and after 10 days the women agreed to end the siege. They won a written contract from the company to hire local workers, build schools and hospitals, and provide electricity and water to their villages.
    AFTERSHOCK: The success of the Escravos protest spurred copycat protests at five more refineries over the next month. Those protests also ended with deals from ChevronTexaco to improve the areas they did business in.
    PROTESTORS: Chicken supporters in Sonoma, California
    BURNING ISSUE: In early 2002, city officials in Sonoma started “removing” flocks of wild chickens that had lived freely and roamed the city for decades. Officials claimed the chickens were a danger to children, were a health hazard, and generally stunk up the town. The protestors argued that the birds were part of the town’s old-country charm and that the officials and real-estate developers were “ruining it in the name of progress.”
    WHAT THEY DID: “Chicken drops.” As soon as officials began removing the birds, other birds would mysteriously appear in the middle of the night—at the library, in the plaza, and at the Chicken Carwash, where a flock of more than 100 had once lived. Officials would take them away, but more would appear to take their place.
    OUTCOME: The conflict continues. Officials keep taking the chickens away, and protestors keep dropping off new ones. Says one chicken-hating resident, “It’s a comedy and it seems funny—until it’s happening to you.”
    Is it a pine? Is it an apple? It’s neither—the pineapple is actually a very big berry.

UNDERWORLD LINGO
    Every profession has its own jargon—even the criminal world. These terms were compiled by someone else. We stole them fair and square… and we’re not giving them back, and no copper’s gonna make us!
    Walk the plank. Appear in a police lineup.
    Barber a joint. Rob a bedroom while the occupant is asleep.
    Chop a hoosier . Stop someone from betting because they’ve been continuously winning.
    Dingoes. Vagrants who refuse to work even though they claim to be looking for a job.
    California blankets. Newspapers used to sleep on or under.
    Wise money. Money to be wagered on a sure thing.
    Ride the lightning. Be electrocuted.
    Rolling orphan. Stolen vehicle with no license plates.
    Put [someone] in the garden . Swindle someone out of their fair share of money or property.
    Swallow the sours. Hide counterfeit money from the police.
    Frozen blood. Rubies.
    Square the beef. Get off with a lighter sentence than expected.
    Toadskin. Paper money—either good or counterfeit.
    Vinegar
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