You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother Read Online Free PDF Page A

realised about NPD but even so I so wanted to tell her, ‘It wasn’t about you, but I knew that would get me a dose of Narcissistic Rage, so I said nothing, to my shame. I felt like a silent collaborator in her voyeurism of this tragedy.
She creates Scapegoats and Golden Children.
    Some narcissistic mothers divide their children in to two categories – that of Scapegoats who can do no right, and Golden Children who can do no wrong.
Being the Scapegoat:
    Growing up as the scapegoat is painful and confusing. Why are you always in trouble, when your sibling never gets into trouble for anything? Why can you not get any of your needs met, while your sibling is showered with attention and material possessions? Why are you always blamed for everything?
    If you are the Scapegoat you might well become what’s known as the Identified Patient (IP) of the family. The IP is the person who is subconsciously selected to carry all the problems of the family, to manifest them. So you, as the IP, might be the one with eating disorders, truancy problems, drinking or drugs, inappropriate sexual behaviour. And you are blamed for all the other troubles in the family, because you’re putting everyone under such stress.
    You will, no doubt, believe this label. After all, the facts are true, you do have these problems. This leads to more feelings of being broken, and is further invalidation.
    Your narcissistic mother might even put you into therapy for this. This may, or may not, work in your favour. If the therapist is good enough then s/he will identify what’s really going on, and will possibly even label your mother’s NPD for you. Alternatively a bad therapist will continue the myth that you are the source of the problems, and be yet another person to invalidate you.
    Even if you don’t get brought to therapy, it will be ‘known’ in the family that you are the problem child, the difficulty, the source of stress and upset.
    It is no fun being the Scapegoat.
Being the Golden Child:
    However, the Scapegoat is, I believe, the lucky one. Well, comparatively lucky – no child of a narcissistic mother is lucky. However, the Scapegoat is far more likely to seek answers and find them, to escape from the narcissistic web. 
    The Golden Child can stay trapped in that gilded cage for her whole life, being the narcissistic mother’s plaything in effect. The Golden Child is usually engulfed, and her life can end up being very enmeshed with her mother’s. On the surface the Golden Child and her mother look to have a very good, and close, relationship. Outsiders might even remark upon it and even envy it. The Scapegoat may even envy it herself and wish she could be as close to their mother.
    But it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s enmeshed. The individual boundaries are blurred beyond recognition.
    Note, too, that the Scapegoat role and Golden child role can vary depending on the narcissistic mother’s whim. It can even be the same person on different days, which is very confusing and leads to more head-wreckingness.
She parentifies.
    Narcissistic mothers can apply a process called parentification to their children. This means that she will expect her daughter to act as her (the mother’s) parent, to provide comfort to her, to be a sounding board. So the mother might share age-inappropriate (or even just inappropriate) information with her daughter, like details about the mother’s own sex life, or details about her romantic relationships, or money worries.
She infantilises.
    As a corollary to that, and very possibly existing at the same time, the narcissistic mother might infantalise her daughter in order to keep her weak and trapped, thinking she is dependent on her mother. She may exaggerate the dangers of the world, for example. Or not teach her daughter any of the skills she’ll need to survive in the world such as budgeting.
She never apologises.
    Narcissistic mothers never apologise. Not properly. Again, it’s because in their own