You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother Read Online Free PDF

minds they are perfect and never do anything wrong, and so there is nothing to apologise for. If called on some inappropriate behaviour they will try gaslighting and invalidating to deflect the accusation. If, however, that fails, they may possibly be forced into the patented narcissists’ fauxpology TM.
    This false apology takes a variety of forms. There is the classic ‘I’m sorry you got upset’, and its rare cousin, ‘I’m sorry if I upset you”. Or, the invalidation masquerading as apology: ‘I’m sorry that you can’t take a joke’.
    Or you might get a sarcastic, eye-rolling, ‘Sorr-eeee!’ in the manner (appropriately) of six year olds being forced to say the word but not meaning it at all.
    The flaw in those is this: Each one is pretending to be an apology, but apart from the word ‘sorry’ appearing in it, it’s actually a criticism of you !  Either a direct criticism, or an implied one.
    And if you say it doesn’t sound very sincere you will be met with Narcissistic Rage and more gaslighting. Maybe, ‘Oh nothing ever pleases you! I said sorry, what more do you want? Flesh?’
    And you know, deep down, that it’s not an apology. But yet it sounds, on the surface, like an apology. And this inconsistency is another part of the crazy-making, head-wreckingness of dealing with a narcissist.
    Here is the anatomy of a proper apology: ‘I did X. I should not have done it. I apologise without excuse. I will do Y to make amends and/or make sure it doesn’t happen again.’ There may be reasons given, because most people are careless rather than malicious, but those reasons will not trump the apology. So, ‘I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I was so distracted in work. But still, that doesn’t excuse it. Can I bring you out to dinner to make up? And I’ll put it in my organiser so I’ll be sure to be reminded next year.’
    You will never hear a Narcissist say baldly, ‘I was wrong’.
    Once she has fauxpologised she will totally expect things to continue as before. For her, this fauxpology is a kind of Get Out Of Jail Free card. She doesn’t see it as meaning that she has to either make amends, or take steps to avoid the behaviour in future.
    Now, you apologising to a narcissists works totally differently, needless to say.
    Quite often, the narcissist will not accept your apology. Why should she? While you’re apologising you are in the position of a supplicant. And she gets to lord it over you. Which is a lovely position for a narcissist to be in. Why would she want to allow that wonderful situation to end?
    And so you might hear, ‘Sorry isn’t good enough.’ Or, one of my own mother’s favourites, a snapped, ‘You should have been sorry before you did it.’ (Even as a child I knew the logic was wrong there.)
    Or: ‘You will keep apologising until I decide that you have apologised enough. And I will decide if your apology is sincere or not.’
    Knowing what you know now, you won’t be surprised that the narcissist will love the one-upmanship of being in this situation, and you’re more than likely to witness some major Narcissistic Glow in this case.
Nothing is ever her fault.
    Okay, sometimes they’ll admit to having done whatever. Maybe it’s impossible to deny. But guess what, it won’t be their fault that they’re doing it! Of course not, they’re perfect, so if they fail it must be some other reason rather than any flaw in them. Classic example: my parents both wanted to stop smoking. My father succeeded and my mother did not. Her explanation: ‘Well, your father managed to stop because I was so very patient with him during his cranky stage. But I could not stop because he got cross and impatient when I was struggling.’
    Or my mother’s assertion that she talks too much only because I make her nervous. Or that she never shows interest in my stuff because whatever she does, it’s not right by me and so she’s too tense to react normally.
She has a victim/martyr