You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother Read Online Free PDF Page B

mentality.
    Narcissists are always victims, never perpetrators. They see themselves as being frequently attacked and are therefore justified in defending themselves. And how do you attack them? By calling them on their behaviour, no matter how mildly you do it. If you say, ‘Mum, I would prefer that you didn’t do X in future as it upsets me’, you will get a reaction which would be more appropriate if you had said, ‘I’m going to kill your pets, burn your house down and torture you for days’. Truly, that’s how it feels to narcissists. Putting a boundary in place feels like an attack on them. Disagreeing with them is tantamount to grievously injuring them.
    Every event is twisted into some victimisation of her. It’s amazing how much she will twist the truth and leave out facts to play the martyr.
    And, in an exquisite irony, she will have her acolytes, and her co-dependent family members (of which more below), to rally around and give her sympathy for her nasty ungrateful daughter being so mean and nasty to her.
    Which further validates that she was right and you are wrong, because everyone is agreeing that that’s the case.
    Which adds to the head-wreckingness of the whole thing for you. You still have the original upset, and now you have it invalidated and dismissed, and in addition, somehow you’re the bad guy?
    And, finally, another way of being the martyr and using that to bring you into line is the trump card of, ‘Oh, after all I have sacrificed for you!’. You are reminded how she gave up her big career for you, how much your education cost, how she put herself out to bring you to dance lessons, etc. (Please, please, do not fall for this. It was her decision to become a mother and all of those things were her responsibility as a result of that. You do not owe her anything for giving you what were both legally and morally your rights. You really don’t.)
     
She’s vindictive, and operates smear campaigns.
    There are four layers to how a narcissist is:
    She first of all wants your admiration. That’s her default state. Admire her, listen to her. Agree with her. Worship her even.
    If she doesn’t get your admiration, she’d like your fear. This is where Narcissstic Rage comes in.
    Failing that, she wants your pity. She’ll play the victim card as discussed above.
    And if even that doesn’t work, she moves onto being vindictive and starting a smearing campaign:
    Thing is, they can bear grudges forever . Again, this makes sense because if they are so special, so perfect, it absolutely is a capital crime to go against them. They are actually dangerous enough in this respect, because they can wait and bide their time for years to get revenge. And this is why, if you come across a narcissist in your daily life, try to remove yourself with as little drama as possible. Be uninteresting to them is the best advice, and don’t engage them and definitely don’t take them on.
    Smearing is one of their big weapons. Smearing means to bad-mouth you to everyone she possibly can. To start a whispering campaign against you. To spread rumours against you. This has the twin benefit to the narcissist of getting her victim status and lots of sympathy (i.e. Narcissistic Supply) on the one hand, and exacting revenge upon you on the other.
    Smearing is very, very hard to counteract. It’s all so sly and underhand that you mightn’t even realise it’s happening. The first you’ll know of it is when the friend doesn’t speak to you, or is cool with you. When the business contact stops returning your calls. Even when you ask the friend or the business contact what’s wrong, they won’t tell you. You may be sure the narcissist has anticipated that, and has dealt with it in some way (‘Don’t tell her what I said’).
She never allows you to be your authentic self.
    Whenever I pulled up outside my parents’ house, I sat for a moment before getting out of the car. And in that moment I could feel myself folding my