X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema Read Online Free PDF Page A

convenit credere? Mihi, an nescio cui puero parvulo muculento, quamlibet pulchellus sit?
    Look, these legal fees are putting quite a dent in the old collection plate
    En, mercedes iurisperitorum discum eleemosynarium vero vacuefaciunt
    What if I say one million Our Fathers and a couple hundred thousand Hail Marys and we just call it even?
    Si Orationum Dominicarum decies centena milia recitabo, Salutationumque Beatae Mariae bis vel ter ducena milia, eritne satis?
    The devil made me do it!
    Diabolus me coegit peccare!

Learned Latin for Lovers—
SERMO LATINUS DOCTUS AMATORIBUS
    I’m only repeating a query that dates back to the Chaldeans, but may I ask, what is your sign?
    Si modo licet mihi te rogare idem quod antiqui Chaldaei suas puellas rogare solebant—quo signo nata es?
    I think it was Pliny the Elder—or was it Pliny the Younger?—who first pioneered the concept of self-introduction by way of the purchase of a libation, and it is really in homage to him that I am moved to offer to buy you a drink
    Credo Gaium Plinium Secundum Maiorem—aut Gaium Plinium Caecilium Secundum Minorem—instituisse ut vir, qui se notiorem puellae facere vellet, ei aliquid liquoris Lyaei compararet; itaque in commemorationem illius iuvat potiunculam tibi praebere
    Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”
    Hoc Marcus Tullius optime verbis expressit, neque profero alia quam ipsissima verba optimi omnium oratorum cum adsevero te venustas habere mammas

    * Cicero phrased it best, and I am merely quoting the master when I am driven to remark, “Nice tits.”
    ** It is required of you to go fuck yourself.
    Just as Aeneas inquired of Dido in Book Four of the Aeneid after stating his desire to install his obelisk in her temple of love, your place or mine?
    A te quaeso, sicut in Aeneidos libro quarto Aeneas, elocutus desiderium erigendi suum obeliscum in templo Venereo Didonis, ab ea quaesivit, tuae domi an meae?
    In the deathless words of the great philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius, of course I will respect you in the morning
    Si me decet immortalia verba usurpare Marci Aurelii, imperatoris illustris philosophici, certe apud me in honore eris, cras mane

Classical Kiss-offs—
VALEDICTIONES ANTIQUAE
    Kiss my basilisk
    Basia basiliscum meum
    Bite my zither
    Morde citharam meam
    Lick my licorice stick
    Linge bacillum glycyrrhizae meum
    Suck my aqueduct
    Suge meum aquaeductum
    Tune my lap trumpet
    Tempera tubam quam in sinu fero
    Lollipop my toga lizard
    Liguri lacertam quae sub toga mea vivit
    Lip-read my trouser scroll
    Lege labris volumen inguinale mihi

Useful Syntax—
SYNTAXIS UTILIS
    IMPERATIVE
    Futue te ipsum
    Go fuck yourself
    IMPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT
    Utinam tete futueres
    Would that you would go fuck yourself
    FIRST SUPINE EXPRESSING A WISH FOR THE PRESENT WITH VERBS OF MOTION
    I fututum te ipsum
    Go in order to fuck yourself
    INFINITIVE WITH IMPERSONAL VERB
    Te oportet futuere tete
    It behooves you to go fuck yourself
    PASSIVE PERIPHRASTIC
    Tu tibi futuendus (futuendave) es
    It is required of you to go fuck yourself
    POTENTIAL SUBJUNCTIVE
    Velim te futuas
    I should like you to fuck yourself
    SUBSTANTIVE CLAUSE OF PURPOSE
    Te rogo ut futuas te ipsum
    I beseech you to fuck yourself
    GENITIVE OF PURPOSE
    I tete futuendi gratia
    Go for the sake of fucking yourself
    FUTURE CONDITIONAL, LESS VIVID
    Si te futuas, gaudeam
    If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice
    FUTURE CONDITIONAL, MORE VIVID
    Se te futueris gaudebo
    If you will have gone and fucked yourself, I will rejoice
    PRESENT CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
    Si te futueres, gauderem
    If you were fucking yourself, I would be rejoicing
    PAST CONDITIONAL, CONTRARY TO FACT
    Se te futuisses, gavisus (gavisave) essem
    If you had fucked yourself, I would have rejoiced
    FUTURE PARTICIPLE DENOTING INTENTION OR LIKELIHOOD
    Tete fututure, te saluto
    You who are about to go fuck yourself, I