X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema Read Online Free PDF

salute you
    FUTURE IMPERATIVE
    Tete futuito
    Make it your policy to fuck yourself
    ABLATIVE ABSOLUTE
    Te fututo, gaudeo
    You having been fucked, I rejoice

You Know You May Be a Roman If . . .
SCIAS TE FORTASSE ROMANUM ESSE SI  . . .
    . . . you often forget what you were going to say before you get to the verb
    . . . saepe quid habeas in animo dicere priusquam ad verbum pervenias, obliviscaris
    . . . you think only superstitious sissies are afraid of volcanoes
    . . . credas molles superstitiosos solos timere montes Volcanios
    . . . you can eat and have sex at the same time
    . . . simul cenare et futuere possis
    . . . you have ever used a chariot in a bar fight
    . . . umquam in taberna curru proeliatus sis
    . . . you never make major business decisions without first cutting open a sheep
    . . . nunquam de negotio magni momenti decernas sine extispicio
    . . . your most recent domestic crisis was a slave revolt
    . . . discrimen apud te recentissimum tumultus fuerit servilis
    . . . you know anyone who married his own mother or was raised by wolves
    . . . quempiam cognoscas qui matrem suam in matrimonium duxerit vel sit a lupis alitus
    . . . you have a statue of yourself holding a sword in one hand and the severed head of a Belgian in the other
    . . . possideas statuam tui, tenentem manu dextra gladium, manu sinistra caput amputatum Belgae
    . . . you compliment the chef by throwing up
    . . . coquum vomendo in mensam conlaudes
    . . . you have a personal poisoner on your staff
    . . . unus ex officialibus tuis propriis est venenarius
    . . . the only vegetarian you ever met had hooves
    . . . numquam phytophagis occurreris nisi ungulatis
    . . . your idea of a party animal is a goat
    . . . animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum
    . . . your car has sword blades welded to its wheels
    . . . habeas currum falcatum
    . . . there are usually about three hundred other people in the tub when you take a bath
    . . . plerumque, cum laveris, adsint in calidario tecum alii fere trecenti
    . . . you think it would be really cool to be Greek
    . . . putes esse lepidissimum Graecari
    . . . you stay home all day if you see a woodpecker over your left shoulder or hear an owl
    . . . domi maneas totum diem cum post tergum conspicias a sinistra picum, vel audias bubonem
    . . . you’re never surprised to discover that the guy running the empire is a moron, a pervert, or a lunatic
    . . . numquam admireris te invenire gubernatorem imperii fatuum esse, vel pravum, vel vesanum

Restaurant ’Tude—
BILIS IN POPINA
    My name is Sir—I’ll be your customer tonight
    Nomen mihi est Dominus—hodie vobiscum cenabo
    My sign is, I sign the check
    Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham
    The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something
    De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam
    If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?
    Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?
    Exactly how fresh is that pepper?
    Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?
    Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?
    Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?
    This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa
    Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus
    My compliments to the chef—the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school
    Summam coquo laudem tribuo—imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit
    No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote
    Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet
    I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel
    In syngrapha