Jaded (WTF? Series Book 1) Read Online Free PDF Page A

his, only the night before.
     
     

Chapter 4
     
    The rest of my holiday vacation is spent inside of the cabana, mostly in the bed now made up with fresh sheets that smell of fabric softener--not passion or sex.
    I'm in this self-imposed prison. I don't go outside to enjoy the sunshine, or to sink my bare feet into the warm, moist sand, or even to breathe in the fresh, salty air.
    I spend my days staring at the ceiling, and counting the number of revolutions the ceiling fan completes per minute, per hour until dusk settles in and I go to the refrigerator and pull out an apple or some of the withered grapes that are still there to take in some nourishment before the day is blessedly over.
    I'm punishing myself for the stupidity I allowed to govern me, for the emotions and curiosity I had no right to feel, but mostly for my lack of good judgment in putting what I have--what I should be grateful for--at risk.
    How could I be so unappreciative of all that Hayden has given me? How could I possibly want more than I already have? I'm not bound to him by the chains of matrimony; I'm free to leave anytime I wish.
    But why would I want to?
    He gives me all that I need. He takes care of me in almost every way possible. He provides the financial and emotional security that my mother never enjoyed.
    She struggled, always worried that she couldn't provide enough for me; or that my future wouldn't be secure.
    Having seen this firsthand, I never wanted to struggle the way that she had. Having children wasn't part of my plan--I saw the stress and anxiety it had caused for my mother. I wanted no part of that.
    It dawns on me that the very thing my mother had tried to instill in me--a sense of my own independence--was absent. As much as she had tried, I simply wasn't that person, nor could I ever be. She had taken care of me, sacrificing herself in the process.
    I hate that I've failed her; but after all, I am my mother's daughter. And like her, my livelihood is secured at the whim of a man, not men as was her case, but if I'm lucky, I will fare much better than she had.
    I am resolute in making sure that Hayden remains content with me, and to never again put myself at risk.
                                ∞
    I spot Hayden at the bottom of the escalator waiting for me. He seems anxious to see me. Our eyes lock, and I quickly plaster a smile on my face, waving to him.
    He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes; it almost never does.
    As I step off of the escalator, his eyes flicker over me as if he's inspecting his merchandise for damage.
    This is new.
    "Welcome home, Jade," he says softly, reaching for me.
    I'm stunned because Hayden typically does not show affection publically--or even privately for that matter. It's usually only done in bed under the guise of fucking.
    But I go with it, dropping my bag to the floor and putting my arms around him as he squeezes me against his chest. "Have you lost weight?" he asks, pulling back to get a better look at me. He seems concerned.
    "I don't think so," I reply, wondering how in the hell he can tell with my winter coat buttoned up tightly around me. I know that I have lost weight, though I'm just not sure how much.
    "Have you been ill? You never mentioned it in your text messages back to me."
    "I'm fine, Hayden," I sigh. "I'm just glad to be home."
    ∞              
    We stop for dinner on our way back to my apartment from the airport. Hayden insists that I order dessert after my meal having seen and commented once again about my obvious weight loss.
    "Didn't you enjoy Belize?" he asks, giving me his full attention now, waiting for my response.
    "It was okay, I guess. Maybe next Christmas I'll go somewhere with snow."
    "We have snow here," he deadpans. "I thought the whole point was for you to get away from the snow and enjoy warm weather in the winter."
    "That's just it," I reply thoughtfully, "I need to learn to appreciate the snow, and not try and escape it.