When I Wake Up Read Online Free PDF Page A

Was happiness linked to the wedding? I do not know, but if it was, I have not felt it. I knew that my marriage was not real, but even in my imagination, I seemed now to see a conflict where I was not sure if the end would be a happy one.
    I was the target of solitude, pain and disappointment. I'm tired of looking around me in search of who is to blame. There was a time when I blamed Roy for my sadness. Other times, I blamed my childhood playmates and so on, but it appeared as if I have got tired of blaming and I was just looking for the solution that brings me joy.

5
    A week has passed since I came to Roy's house. To sit outside and watch the lake with its ducklings, the grass around the swing giving a charm to the landscape and the small pigeon house became my favorite routine. It seemed I did not adapt myself well inside the house. Not that I was not being well received, it was not that. Roy and Nancy treated me very well, but sometimes I felt like an intruder in there, like a person who was excluded from a situation and instead of trying to include themselves, putting themselves back, they flee, seeking out an escape.
    I wondered why I sought this form of escape on the outside, while my prize was on the inside. I think the lake made me reflect, and sitting on the grass by the lake, I saw my reflection in the mirror of water and I realized that the problem was not in the house, but within myself. While I thought so, I confess that I also sat there imagining Roy by my side, holding my hand, caressing me and asking forgiveness for lost time. I could imagine him repentant, asking himself how everything would have been different if he had chosen to be with me in his teens.
    “Sophia,” I heard Roy calling me, “it is cold out there. Come here.” To me it was not cold, first because I was used to the harsh winter in New York. Secondly, because the little cold outside and the wind beating on my face, bothered me a little, and made me lose concentration of my pain. That landscape distracted me, but the water for some reason seemed to look at me and call me to reality. I turned to Roy and said, “I'm coming.” I entered, soon to leave again in order to do the Christmas shopping. While we waited outside, Nancy hugged me, and for me it was like she silently thanked me for getting Roy out of prison.
    We got in the car and went to the mall. Roy did not speak much, but he was a bit playful and the little he spoke seemed to make me smile. His games took me from my thoughts and disguised my emptiness for some time, which did not last long, only a few minutes but it softened and ended up giving a touch of fantasy to my pain.
    While we were Christmas shopping, I watched people shopping and they looked happy. Some chose the gifts carefully, as if committing a crime if they gave a gift that the other did not want. Some checked out the iPhone, some couples kissed and walked hand in hand. Some parents smiled with their troubled children, choosing their gifts, looking as though they no longer believed in Santa Claus.
    I was still carrying myself within me, as I walked through that shopping mall, despite the contagious joy of the Christmas spirit, my image appeared to match the weather; I felt like a Christmas tree that had not been decorated.
    Roy surprised me, by hugging me in the mall and holding my hand. “Give me the honor of walking hand in hand with my wife,” he joked. But with every joke, a touch of hope lit inside me.
    We made the purchases and went home. Roy's house was all decorated for Christmas and now presents were carefully placed underneath the Christmas tree. Everything in the house appeared to be happy, except me.
    Nancy bought all the Christmas food already prepared and made a wonderful supper. It looked like I was having the Christmas of my life, with the prince I dreamed of at my side. We had fun during dinner and I could even turn away from my own imagination. For a few hours, I lived in my reality and stopped