When I Wake Up Read Online Free PDF Page B

the room with Roy for a while. We have had our official wedding night and I should be overjoyed, but I was not. Maybe I was like this because I was sure he did not love me and had simply taken advantage of an opportunity to spend a night with me. I began to analyze what Roy thought of me: a woman who was in love with him as a teenager, was also rejected by him, came to the United States and with the opportunity to meet new people, ended up accepting a marriage proposal lie to get him out of jail and after all, easily, without much insistence, ended up spending the night with him. These thoughts tortured me. As I worried so much about what others thought about me. These thoughts seemed to have conquered my mind and refused to leave. It was as if they thought my mind was a territory occupied by them and that I had no authority to get them out.
    I was afraid that Roy would find out all that went through my head. Imagine if he or Nancy possessed an x-ray that could read my thoughts? They surely would find me to be an imbalanced person.
    Roy continued embracing me, and I felt all the security that I had one day desired, but that in no way at the moment made me feel safe. I never felt more vulnerable and that emptiness inside me, seemed to have grown another centimeter and warned me that it had room to grow some more.
    What if Roy had fallen in love with me? Could he, the great love of my life, have finally noticed me and seen me in a different way? No! I could not even fuel this idea within me, because I find myself impossible to be loved. I'm just a weird being on the planet fighting to occupy a space, but have not yet succeeded. As I thought this, I had to contain my tears and sobs.
    Roy stroked me and spoke kind words to me. I in turn, could not believe what he was talking about, because to me it sounded false and meaningless. I was not the pretty sure about the things he was telling me that I was.
    But if all I wanted was Roy, then in a way I had him last night, should I not go ahead with my plan and conquer it? Have I just created an imaginary love about Roy, where he was simply the character? Was I really honest about what I felt or was it just another piece of my mind that was holding me back?
    The more these thoughts rattled around in my head, the more I physically drew closer to Roy, as if his touch could remove these thoughts dancing to the music without rhythm inside me, driving me crazy. As I wanted to stop the voice speaking within me, telling me I had made a plan with no strategy whatsoever, and that soon he would be frustrated and that I would be sadder than before. I embraced Roy tightly, as if my hug was strong enough to keep him near me.
    From outside of the room, I could hear Nancy's steps, walking around the house, going into the kitchen and preparing breakfast. Attracted by the smell of coffee, we got up and went for our breakfast. “Merry Christmas to all,” I said. That's how the day started externally because inside me, it was not good. The table was made with panettone, Christmas cookies, fruits, cakes, coffee and a delicious fruit juice. For the first time in my life, I was having Christmas breakfast with Roy. I cannot deny it, not even my negative thoughts could take this from me. There at the table, the morning was wonderful and even looked like a fairy tale, with real characters, where Roy, me and Nancy played a perfect role which I fought so that it might become a real chapter in the history of my happiness. And so the breakfast continued with jokes and harmony, for me the great achievement was to be next to Roy while the disappointment of it was not having solved my inner conflict.
    Not that I was certain that Roy was in love with me, but I knew some feeling was rising within him relative to me. I still have to spend three weeks beside him. Could I make them into something to remember for a lifetime? What strategies could I use to win him when I did not consider myself able to win one? And if he