The New York City Bartender's Joke Book Read Online Free PDF Page A

the bar,
and yells, “Bartender! I want to get likkered up!” He grabs the bartender by the tie. “
And I need a woman
!”
    The bartender says, “Well, I sure can get you all the liquor you want, but there ain’t no women in town, they left a while back, but
we do have Injun Joe behind that door.”
    “Oh, no, no,” says the prospector, “I don’t go in for that kind of stuff.” But as he drinks, he starts to get a little randy.
He calls the bartender over and says, “Bartender, how much do you charge for that Injun Joe behind that door?”
    The bartender says, “Fifty dollars.”
    “Fifty dollars!?” says the prospector. “How do you justify fifty dollars?”
    “Well,” says the bartender, “we give Injun Joe ten dollars, and twenty dollars apiece for two guysto hold him down, ’cause Injun Joe don’t go in for that kind of stuff either.”

    A guy is riding his snowmobile in Alaska. He’s out on the tundra, twenty-five to thirty miles from the nearest town, when
all of a sudden the snow-mobile stops running. He can’t get it started and panic sets in because the sun is setting and he’ll
freeze to death if he is stranded there overnight.
    Then, to his amazement, he sees an Eskimo riding a snowmobile along the horizon, so he starts jumping up and down, waving his
arms, hoping to get the Eskimo’s attention.
    The Eskimo sees him and heads toward him. Fifteen minutes later, the Eskimo pulls up next to him and asks, “What’s the problem?”
    The guy says, “I don’t know. I’m riding along when all of a sudden it stops and I can’t get it started.”
    “Well,” says the Eskimo, “I’m an expert snowmobile mechanic, let me take a look at it.” He opens the engine cover, looks at
the engine, goes back to his snowmobile, gets some tools, and starts tinkering with the motor. After a couple of minutes,
he says, “I found the problem.”
    The guy asks, “What is it?”
    The Eskimo says, “You blew a seal.”
    “Oh, no,” the guy says. “That’s just snow on my lip!”

    After picking up a few items at a pharmacy, a guy goes up to the counter with a can of shaving cream, razor blades, soap,
and toothpaste. The woman at the counter rings up the items and asks the guy, “You’re single, aren’t you?”
    “Why, yes,” answers the guy. “How can you tell?”
    “Because you’re fucking ugly!” replies the woman.

    How can you tell when a woman is about to say
    something important?
    She starts by saying, “A man once told me…”

    A young boy gets a train set for Christmas. His parents help him set it up and they all play with it. Eventually, the father
goes into the den to catch up onfootball scores and the mother goes into the kitchen to clean the Christmas dinner dishes. The boy is left alone in the living
room playing with his train.

    All of a sudden, the mom, in the kitchen, hears the boy, in the living room, say, “59th Street station, anyone who wants to get
on, get the fuck on, anyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off!”
    Not quite sure of what she heard, the mother stands next to the living-room door to listen. Much to her dismay, she hears her
son say, “42nd Street, anyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on, anyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off!”
    The mother rushes into the living room and grabs the boy by the neck and says, “I don’t know where you learned that kind of
language, certainly not from me and I hope not from your father. You are not to use that language
ever
!” With that, she drags the boy up the stairs and throws him in his room and says, “Now you stay in here until you have learned
your lesson!”
    She storms out and goes back downstairs to the kitchen, fuming. After an hour, she cools down and goes upstairs to the boy’s
room and says, “Have you learned your lesson?”
    The boy says, “Yes, ma’am, I’ve learned my lesson, real good.”
    “All right,” says the mother, “you can go back downstairs and