The New York City Bartender's Joke Book Read Online Free PDF Page B

mind,” says the husband. “I always wear my seat belt.”
    “No you don’t,” says the wife. “You never put your seat belt on!”
    “Shut up you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.
    “All right,” says the trooper, “let me see your license and registration.”
    The husband fumbles through his pockets and says, “I must have left my license in my other jacket at home.”
    “You never carry your license,” says the wife. “It’s on your bureau in the bedroom!”
    “Will you shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch!” yells the husband.
    “Step out of the car, sir,” says the trooper, and as the husband gets out to the car, the trooper leans in and asks the wife, “Does
your husband always talk to you like that?”
    “Oh, no,” says the wife with a smile, “only when he’s drunk!”

    Do you know what the side effect of Viagra is?
    Your wife’s headaches come back.

    Two sons want to do something different for their father’s ninetieth birthday, so they hire a call girl. She shows up at the
house and the sons tell her to go up the stairs to the bedroom where the father is.
    She opens the bedroom door and sees the old man sitting on the side of his bed, and she says with enthusiasm, “I’m here to
give you super sex!”
    The old man looks at her and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

    After a physical, a doctor tells an old man, “You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
    The old man says, “What should I do?”
    “Go home and forget about it,” says the doctor.

    How many men does it take to change
    a roll of toilet paper?
    No one knows. It’s never been done.

    Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
    Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.

    A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. He gets to the Pearly Gates and sees God standing there. He says to God, “I want to see Allah!”
    “Allah is busy right now,” says God.
    “I want to see Allah
now
!” demands the Muslim.
    God gets on the intercom and says, “Hey, Allah, when you’re finished with the garbage, someone wants to see you!”

    What’s the difference between an Israeli
    and an Israelite?
    Thirty percent less fat!

    A guy is walking down the street when he passes a bar with a sign in the window that says, “1920 Prices.” His curiosity gets
the best of him and he goes inside.
    The bartender says, “Hi, what can I get you?”
    The guy asks, “How much is a beer?”
    “Two cents,” says the bartender.
    “I’ll have a beer,” says the guy, smiling.
    The bartender gives the guy a beer and the guygives the bartender a nickel and tells him to keep the change. Then he asks the bartender, “How much is a shot of whiskey?”
    The bartender says, “Six cents.”
    The guy orders the whiskey, gives the bartender a dime, and tells him to keep the change.
    As the guy is drinking his beer and sipping his whiskey, thinking about all the money he is saving, he notices two Hasidic
Jews sitting at a table not drinking anything, just sitting there. He calls the bartender over and asks, “What’s up with the
two Jews?”
    The bartender says, “Don’t worry about them, they’re just waiting for happy hour.

    Why do all Hasidic Jews dress the same?
    Only one of them is carrying the diamonds.

    Do you know what the first Jewish settlement
    in New York City was?
    Ten cents on the dollar.

    A boy asks his father, “Dad, can you get pregnant
    from anal sex?”
    The father says, “How do you think
    lawyers are born!”
    How is Viagra like Disney World?
    There is an hour wait for a two-minute ride.

    A husband comes home early from work. His wife is nowhere to be found, so he goes upstairs to the bedroom and sees her packing
a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asks.
    “I’m going to Las Vegas,” she says.
    “Why are you going to Las Vegas?” he asks.
    “I found out that I can get two hundred dollars for a blow job,” she says.
    The husband goes to the closet, pulls out his suitcase, and starts packing. “Where are you going?”