The New York City Bartender's Joke Book Read Online Free PDF

play with your train set again.”
    Not quite sure if he learned his lesson or not, the mother stands near the living-room door to listen. She hears the boy say, “59th
Street, anyone whowants to get on, get on, anyone who wants to get off, get off.”
    But just to be sure, the mother listens further, and she hears the boy say “42nd Street, anyone who wants to get on, get on, anyone
who wants to get off, get off.”
    Satisfied that he has learned his lesson, she goes back into the kitchen to continue cleaning the Christmas dinner dishes.
    There is a long pause. Silence from the living room. Then the mother hears the boy say, “14th Street, anyone who wants to get
on, get on, anyone who wants to get off, get off.
    “If anyone has any complaints about the delays in the system,” the boy continues, “see the fucking bitch in the kitchen!”

    Did you hear about the Energizer Battery bunny?
    He died. Someone put the batteries in
    backwards and he kept coming and coming
    and coming…

    It was comedy night at the Comic Strip, and this night featured a ventriloquist. Everything was going great, he had the audience
in the palm of his hand, laughing, until he started with the Polishjokes—the ventriloquist and his dummy, back and forth with the Polish jokes, one after the other.
    All of a sudden, a Polish guy stands up and yells, “Hey, I’m Polish, and we—yes, I’m speaking for all of us—we resent those
jokes. As a matter of fact, they are not jokes to us! They are not funny. They are degrading, humiliating, and insulting!
Please stop it!”
    The ventriloquist is stunned. He has never encountered anything like this in his whole career. He stands up, still holding
the dummy, and very apologetically says to the Polish guy, “I am very sorry, sir, to you and all the Polish people I have
offended. From this moment on I will never, ever utter another Polish joke as long as I live, and I will urge my fellow comedians
to follow suit. I apologize to you, sir, and anyone I have offended.”
    “Hey,” says the Polish guy, “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the little guy!”

    Did you hear about the Polish kidnappers?
    They sent the kid home with the ransom note.
    The parents must have been Polish too, because
    they sent the kid back with the money.

    An old woman is feeling poorly, so her husband takes her to the doctor for a checkup. The old manwaits in the waiting room while the old lady and the doctor go into the examining room.
    After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he
asks.
    “I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go to the bathroom, but I have no problem falling
back asleep. Occasionally I take an afternoon nap for an hour, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”
    “How is your diet?” asks the doctor.
    “I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat
very well.”
    “Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.
    “What?” replies the woman.
    “Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”
    The old woman gets up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”
    The old man looks at her and says, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

    A husband and wife are driving down the interstate when they are pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper says to the husband, “I
clocked you doing 90 mph in a 55 mph zone.”
    “That can’t be,” says the husband. “I always obey the speed limit.”
    “No you don’t,” says the wife. “You always speed no matter what the speed limit is!”
    “Shut up, you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.
    The trooper says, “I see you are not wearing your seat belt.”
    “It must have slipped my