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Having your understanding and support can provide validity to his experience and emotions. Maybe your spouse’s feelings are hurt because he believes his progress at work has not been acknowledged or appreciated. You can validate him without joining him in a pity party or time of complaining. You may say something like, “Yeah, it is hurtful to feel unappreciated.”
     
    Couples sometimes tend to shut down their partner’s expression of emotion by not communicating acceptance and understanding. Letting our partners know that their feelings are not foolish, but make sense to us, helps them to feel safe to express themselves openly with us.
     
    SAY IT & BELIEVE IT Read aloud (individually or together):
     
    I understand the significance of emotions in our daily lives. They are inherent in who we are though their intensity and expression vary. When ( spouse’s name ) shares his/her feelings with me, I will remember that there are good reasons for feeling the way he/she does. I will not reject, judge or dispute _____’s emotional experience. Rather, I will accept his/her feelings as making sense to him/her.
     
    I want _____ to feel safe when sharing anything with me. I will do my best to provide a safe environment for _____ to be open and honest about what he/she is thinking and feeling. If I ever think that _____ is overreacting or too sensitive, I will remind myself that feelings cannot be controlled in the same way that thoughts can be. And validating _____ can help to positively influence his/her thoughts that can lead to positive and healthy reactions.
    I will make validating my partner a daily practice, knowing that it communicates love and acceptance of who he/she is.
     
     
    PUT IT INTO PRACTICE
     
    You and your spouse are always expressing your emotions in one way or another. Whether it is anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, enthusiasm or joy, you have good reason for feeling the way you do.
     
    When you validate your partner, it is like telling him or her that it is okay to feel what he/she is feeling. Validation is very powerful and makes your spouse feel accepted for who they are.
     
    Unlike thoughts, feelings cannot be controlled, but they can be influenced by thoughts and actions. Validating, comforting and accepting your partner affects his/her emotions. And it affects the relationship.
     
    In the following week, practice validating each other. Take turns sharing how you feel about something and letting one another know that his/her feelings make sense. (For this exercise choose something unrelated to your relationship.)
     
    Give your partner feedback on his/her attempts to validate you. If you felt validated, what was most helpful to you and why? If you did not feel validated, why? Tell your partner what you need from him/her.
     
     
    Following are a few ways that can help to validate emotions:
     
    Repeat or paraphrase back to your partner what was said so he/she knows he’s been heard.
     
    Nod your head often to demonstrate you are listening and accepting of him/her.
     
    Listen without interrupting or opposing.
     
    Maintain good eye contact and focused attention.
     
    Say something validating such as:
    • No wonder you feel that way.
    • I don’t blame you.
    • I would do the same thing too.
    • Gosh, that’s not fair.
    • I’m sorry.
    • That makes sense.
     
     
    EXAMPLE: Tina tells Aaron her husband: “I had a bad day today. Everything went wrong.” She spends the next several minutes talking about what happened. Aaron looks at Tina and listens without imposing his viewpoint. He nods his head and repeats back some of what he heard. “I hear you saying that you ordered the wrong part by mistake and the job was delayed as a result.” Tina knows that Aaron is keeping up with the story and she feels safe to continue. Aaron empathizes with her emotions and says, “I’m sorry. That would be frustrating.” Tina feels validated by her husband. She does not fear feeling foolish or