Moving Forward Read Online Free PDF Page A

I wanted to hear. He was drunk, angry, bitter, and so self-involved he couldn’t see past himself to care for anyone else, and I hated him because I knew his refusal to be a husband and father would cause Emma and Jamie pain. Again. It made me furious, but there really wasn’t anything I could do, and I decided Russ wasn’t worth my time or Jamie’s.

    When I made it back to Emma’s, I noted her car was in the drive, which meant she and Jaime were back from the funeral home. Other cars lined the drive as well, and as I didn’t feel up to making conversation with anyone other than Jamie or Emma, I went in the side door to the kitchen.

    Mrs. Sutherland was there, and she told me Emma was in the living room with a few ladies from the church she attended. Jamie was upstairs, and I opted to check in on him.

    “Jamie’s exhausted, and I’m more than a little worried, so if anyone asks for him, can you maybe tell them he’s resting?” I looked at the kindly neighbor imploringly, and she smiled and assured me she would run interference for a while. I decided the woman was indeed a saint. It was a relief to know someone so dependable and kind had been there—and was still there—when Emma needed her. I made a mental note to thank her properly later as I bounded upstairs to Jamie’s old bedroom where I had dropped our bags after we arrived.

    Jamie was there, sitting on the bed, and he looked up when I stepped inside. I could see he had been crying.

    Wordlessly, I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed with my back against the headboard. Jamie shifted easily so he was sitting between my legs, and I wrapped my arms around him.

    “I never knew so many decisions had to be made when planning a funeral and….” Jamie shook his head. “What type of casket. What kind of flowers. Who will be speaking, and do we want the funeral home to find a clergyman or do we know someone. I finally just told the guy what I thought Ava would like, flower wise.”

    “Red and white carnations,” I offered. Those had been her favorite.

    “Yeah. I said the same for Matt. I didn’t think it would matter to him, and likely, he would want whatever Ava liked.”

    “I agree.”

    “And we got… the coffins are matching, as if that matters, but the funeral director said it would look nice at the service.” Tiredly, he sagged back against me. “My mom knows a priest who will speak, and I said I would say something, and I… when the director asked if we wanted to have a viewing, or open casket at the funeral, I said no, because Ava wouldn’t have wanted that. I’m sure of it. I remember Ava, after our Grandma Patty died… after the funeral, Ava said there was nothing more morbid than people standing around looking at a body and talking about how ‘nice’ the person looks.” He laughed a little, at the memory of a time with his sister, but I could tell he was crying as well. “She said she wouldn’t want people just standing there and looking at her, and today… today, sitting in that office, I recalled that conversation, and I could almost hear Ava saying ‘don’t you dare let them put me on display’, so I told the director no viewing and keep the caskets closed.”

    He was sobbing by the time he finished, and I turned him in my arms, cradling him against my chest while he cried, and I allowed myself to shed a few tears along with him. It was all still so raw, so painful, and I wanted to tell him it would get better, but I suspected hearing that wouldn’t make the pain seem less agonizing in that moment. All I could do was hold him. He needed this chance to release some emotions, to fall apart a little, because Emma needed him to be there for her, and he wouldn’t be able to support her if he didn’t properly balance her needs with his own need to grieve for Ava and Matt.

    Finally, the tears began to subside, and he lifted his head to look at me, his beautiful face wet with tears and something familiar in his blue