How Best to Avoid Dying Read Online Free PDF Page A

time. That you people are evil fucks.
    â€œTroy, I did this.” I told him about the bar, about my words and my silence.
    He didn’t speak for a long time. He looked more dead than the alligator skin. Then he stepped back.
    â€œYou don’t deserve to suffer with the Family.”
    I said nothing.
    â€œGo,” he said.
    â€œCan I take her with me?” I asked.
    He shook his head and turned away.
    â€œCan I say goodbye?”
    As he walked back into the swamp, the skin slid off his back.
    When it’s cold, like tonight, the gators swim to the bottom of the swamp and dig holes. They crawl in and go dormant for the night. But tonight it’s going to freeze. They’ll come up in the morning and find the surface is ice. And we won’t be there to break it for them. They’ll drown before it thaws. That’s bad enough. But if one gator doesn’t get below in time, before the waters freeze, he’s left above the ice watching his family drown.
    Nobody wants that.
    I’ll turn off the fence now. You can come in and rescue everyone.

PIERCED
    Dear Halley ,
    I’ve done something horrible. Really horrible .
    And right before your wedding night .
    I’d like to blame Rick. Best man, my ass. But it’s my fault .
    I’ve met other virgins, Halley. Plenty. But you’re different. You’re a virgin by choice. By commitment to a religious ideal that I don’t get, but I respect. I still remember the night on your couch and we were kissing and touching and you whispered into my ear, “Let’s wait.” Those were the two hottest words I have ever heard. I mean that .
    So Thursday night Rick took me out for a kind of bachelor party. Just him and me drunk on four pitchers of some microbrew called Hopalaician Trail. And Rick says, “Lets do something wild!” And I say, “No.” And he says, “Oh, the bit’s already in the mouth.” And I say, “There’sno bit.” And he says, “Prove it.” And I say, “How?” And he says, “Let’s do something wild.” And I say, “Like what?” And he says, “Prince Albert.” And I say, “Fine!” And then I say, “What’s a Prince Albert?” And he says, “Too late, you said yes!”
    Halley, please, if any love for me remains in your heart, don’t google Prince Albert. You won’t like it. It’s enough to know it’s like an earring. On my penis .
    I got it from this fierce monster troll-lady. Maybe 4’ 11”. Stout. Strong. Very strong. She had this hole-puncher thing and she saw my penis and you haven’t and I’m so ashamed .
    I woke up in the morning and I could tell something was wrong. It should never be this color. Outside of coral reef nature documentaries, I’ve never even seen this color. It hurt, more and more as the day went on. Like an itch and fever and bruise all in one. This will explain my constant sweating during the rehearsal, why I couldn’t stand to hug your father after he gifted us tickets to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and why I vomited a little on your shoe before saying goodnight. It wasn’t nerves or cold feet, it was an unclean piece of steel in my penis .
    It’s only gotten worse. I tried to take it out about an hour ago and almost passed out. My mother came in. I tried to tell her, tried to explain I had done something harmful to myself. She said that everyone felt that way the night before their wedding, but eventually you have children and it’s too late anyway .
    Oh, it’s bad. I’m looking at it now. It looks like a skinhead choking on a dumbbell .
    Halley, I could make it through the ceremony, I know. I could even limp through the reception. It’s only pain. Then, we’d have the limo and maybe you’d be frisky, cause you’ve been waiting, and I’d have to play coy and I’m not coy, Halley. I am not coy. And the limo