How Best to Avoid Dying Read Online Free PDF

would drop us at the airport because your dad got us tickets to Hawaii, though I hate the beach, but no one ever asked me. And then we’d get to security and I’d remove my belt and the change from my pockets and my shoes and I’d walk through the detectors and I’d beep. I’d beep, Halley. And they’d have me step aside, and buzz me with their metal detector wands while you looked on with that disapproving smile I love so much. And the wand would pass over my crotch and buzz and they’d ask, “What’s in the crotch, sir?” And what can I tell them? And they say, “Sir, what’s in the crotch?” And people are staring and backing away and one of the security guys is unlatching his gun. “Remove your pants, sir.” But I can’t show them, not for my sake, but for your sake. The only thing worse than having your first penis be a purple, pussy mess is seeing that purple, pussy mess in public. I refuse. I shake my head. My mouth dry, his hand on his gun. And the wand wanders too close and taps the wound and I scream and grab my crotch. And the gun’s pulled. And people scream. And I scream. And a shot is fired and I’m hit and I fall to the floor and I see blood pooling from me and I see you, shoes in hand, stepping back from the blood like a child from a wave on the beach .
    And then I’m dead .
    For you .
    And you’re left with an urn full of ashes for a husband. And when you shake the urn, Halley, it rattles .
    I can’t do that to you, Halley. I can’t. So this is goodbye .
    Rick, that bastard, is waiting outside. We’re driving to Mexico where I can have this thing removed by someone who doesn’t speak the same language as I do. I don’t think I could face someone in English .
    Yours truly ,
    William
    P.S. You’ll never see me again. I love you too much for that .

CHRISTMAS
    It was Christmas Eve, almost Christmas morning. He was warm and asleep. She woke him by saying his name, and he opened his eyes to the flicker of candlelight.
    â€œIs the power out again?” he asked.
    â€œNo,” she said. “Just mood lighting.” She was sitting up in bed, smiling at him. The bouncing light filled her face with shadows. Her hair was messed from sleep, but her eyes were awake and excited. “I want to give you your Christmas gift,” she said.
    â€œNow?” he sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. She nodded and bit her lip. Her smile was slight. A thin line. All her features were soft and thin. Except her hair. Her hair was long, kinky, and the dark brown of wet soil. He reached his hand into her hair, his fingers working through the thick. Even after two years the texture was wild to him. “Okay,” he said, smiling.
    She turned away and reached under the bed. His hand fell from her hair to her back. He felt her warm skin through the cotton nightshirt. She faced him again and in her hand was a pistol. She held it flat in her palm, as if she were trying to guess its weight.
    â€œIs that real?” he asked.
    She placed the pistol in his palm. He found the gun heavier than he had expected, and colder. She smiled.
    â€œWhere did you get this?” he asked.
    â€œIt didn’t cost much.”
    â€œYou hate guns.”
    â€œIt’s not loaded,” she said. “I want you to do something. I want you to put this in your mouth and pull the trigger.”
    He snorted a laugh and waited for her to giggle. She bit her lip again.
    â€œAre you joking?” he asked.
    â€œCome on. No big deal,” she said. She snatched the gun from his hand and put the barrel in her own mouth. “Shie, no pwobem.” She pulled the gun out and laughed.
    â€œDon’t fool around.”
    â€œIt’s not loaded.” She placed the gun back in his palm. “Do this for me.”
    â€œWhy?”
    â€œFor me.”
    â€œThat makes no sense,” he said, holding out the gun to her.