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more amazing is that 72 percent of you carry on all your family responsibilities and also work outside the home—and still somehow manage to make our world go round! Everything you do seems so effortless to us. You have a memory that doesn’t quit. Somehow all those birthdays, anniversaries, and papers that need to be signed for school all get taken care of, and right on schedule. We can’t begin to compete with that.
    That’s why respect is the #1 need for us men. Keep in mind that we want to please you (the little boy who wanted to please his mama has never quite grown up), but we know we can’t come close to competing with you in what we do. Still, the little-boy heart in all of us longs for your respect—your belief that we indeed are capable, worthy human beings, and that we’re important in your world.
    Without respect, there is nothing to build your marriage on. There’s no foundation. If you can’t respect your husband, you might as well call it quits, because your marriage isn’t going to make it.
    Here’s the even bigger issue behind respect. A man needs to feel your respect in order to love you the way you want to be loved. If he doesn’t feel your respect, he won’t climb out of his turtle shell to risk loving you because he might get hurt.
    Ask Dr. Leman
    Q: My husband never wants to go anywhere. He likes to stay home and putter around. A friend of ours is having a big barbecue in a month, and everyone we know is going. It would be a great time to catch up with our friends. But my husband said, “No, I don’t want to go.” He’s so stubborn sometimes. How can I get my husband to see that doing things with friends, as a couple, is important to me?
    A: When you and your husband were dating, what did you like to do? Did you do a lot of social activities with friends, or did you do quiet things with just the two of you, like having dinner, watching movies, taking walks through the park? Your husband may be an introspective guy who doesn’t like the social scene. If you’re a social butterfly who likes action and being surrounded by others, that can cause problems in your marriage.
    Why not talk to your husband? Tell him it’s important to you to do some things together with friends, and it means a lot to you to have him by your side at those events. Ask him if he’d be willing to go with you to the barbecue, but for a shorter time—perhaps one and a half hours instead of the four hours it usually takes. Tell him that when he gives you the high sign, you’ll leave immediately. If he still says no, tell him, “Honey, I respect your decision. I understand it’s not really your thing. But I’d still like to go. Would you mind if I went for a couple hours, and after I come home we could watch a movie of your choice?”
    If your husband isn’t wired to enjoy social interaction and he was like that when you married him, give him a break. Don’t force him into situations where he’s uncomfortable and withdraws from you or gets grouchy. Is his being with you at the barbecue really worth that?
    Also, are the friends at the barbecue just your friends, or friends of both of you? There’s a vast difference. If you’re teaching college and always around highly educated folks, and he works in a diesel machine shop and is always around blue-collar workers, your guy could feel a bit intimidated if surrounded by all your colleagues and friends.
    If your husband used to be a social creature but has withdrawn from activities with others, probe gently. “Honey, I noticed that you don’t like to do activities with friends anymore. I could be wrong, but I’m wondering if something is bothering you and if there’s anything you’d like to talk about.”
    Give those methods a try.
    Then again, there are some men who don’t deserve your respect because there is nothing to respect about them. They are crude, rough, and abusive. They treat women—you included—as a doormat to wipe their boots on. They