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worry about your weight, you’re tiny!
    ALICE: I’m not worried about my weight I’m just –
    DUCHESS: Or some soup? We always have a pot of soup on the go for when visitors come, only no-one ever does, do they Cookie?
    ALICE: Yeah, I really need to find the rabbit because he gave me this, um, mission sort of thing –
    DUCHESS: Why don’t you tell me about it, eh? Sit and have a girly natter – why don’t I brush your hair for you?
    The DUCHESS pulls out a revolting brush, matted with hair and other horrors. ALICE backs off.
    ALICE: No no, I don’t – Um, cause I’ve only got a one day visa, you see, and I’d really rather not –
    DUCHESS: And then we can go shopping together.
    ALICE: OK, maybe you know where I’m supposed to go – I’m looking for something called the Heart.
    DUCHESS: I know! Let’s give each other a facial!
    ALICE: Do you know where that is, the Heart?
    DUCHESS: Of course I know where it is.
    ALICE: Yes? Where?
    DUCHESS: Home is where the heart is, isn’t it?
    ALICE: Yeah, well I’m trying to get –
    DUCHESS: And you’re home now, so –
    Why don’t you stay forever, you could move in, we’ll be like flatmates, we can borrow each others’ clothes and run each other baths and things –
    The queen used to love it when I ran her a bath. We were like sisters really, only she got in a tizz about some silly –
    ALICE: The queen?
    DUCHESS: You know what it’s like – having a baby can really get in the way of your –
    The baby farts then sneezes.
    SHUT UP!
    I mean shush shush baby baby lovely baby.
    Queenie thinks she doesn’t like babies or something, silly billy, who doesn’t like babies – she doesn’t invite me to anything anymore, silly billy.
    Now baby, how about a bit of hush for mummy?
    The DUCHESS bounces the baby in a way which looks rather rough.
    Bouncy bouncy boo! And a bouncy bouncy boo! And a bouncy bouncy boo!
    ALICE: Careful, he’ll –
    DUCHESS: Would you like to hold him?
    ALICE: Um. No, look, I really ought to go.
    DUCHESS: Don’t go, don’t be silly, you haven’t had your tea yet.
    ALICE: Yeah, had my tea before I came I’m sorry I’ve really got to –
    ALICE starts to move away.
    DUCHESS: No don’t go don’t go don’t go don’t go
    DON’T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THE BABY!
    I mean. I mean. You’re my best friend.
    ALICE: We’ve only just met.
    DUCHESS: You don’t know what it’s like. No one comes. Even the postman won’t stop and talk anymore, everyone’s so busy –
    ALICE: Oh, the postman –
    DUCHESS: But now I’ve got you, haven’t I? Now there’ll always be someone there for me, all day every day, I can’t tell you how
happy we’ll be all together – we don’t ever need to go anywhere, we can just stay here with the curtains closed and be very very happy all by ourselves. Forever.
    The baby farts.
    PIG!
    ALICE takes the DUCHESS ’s letter out of her pocket.
    ALICE: Sorry, are you – Are you a Duchess?
    DUCHESS: Of course I’m a Duchess. Don’t I look like a Duchess?
    ALICE: The postman gave me this for you.
    DUCHESS: A letter? A letter? Open it!
    ALICE: OK, um.
    ALICE opens the letter.
    DUCHESS: What can it be, baby? A letter for us!
    ALICE: Um, it’s an invitation. ‘Choo!
    The DUCHESS squeals with delight.
    DUCHESS: Ainvitation! Did you hear that, Cookie? Who’s it from who’s it from?
    ALICE: Um, the queen.
    The DUCHESS screams like an excited teenage girl, making the baby scream even louder.
    DUCHESS: The queen! She wants me back! This is it, Cookie – I knew she’d miss me, I knew she couldn’t be without me for long!
    ALICE: She wants you to come to a croquet match followed by tea and tarts –
    The DUCHESS screams.
    DUCHESS: Tea! Tarts! Dress Code?
    ALICE: Dress Code: No babies.
    DUCHESS: Ah. Right. No babies.
    No no, well. I can see why you wouldn’t want any babies at a croquet match –
    Cookie, d’you think you could –
    The DUCHESS looks over to the table, to see the COOK hacking up another cuddly toy. COOK