looks up
from the work and glares at the DUCHESS .
No, nothing dear.
The DUCHESS looks at ALICE .
Party game!
ALICE: Sorry?
DUCHESS: To celebrate.
ALICE: I’ve still got to go, though, so –
DUCHESS: Cookie – bring the plates.
ALICE: The game has plates?
DUCHESS: Spread out everyone.
The COOK and the DUCHESS form two points of a triangle, with ALICE being the other point.
Now, this is what you have to do –
ALICE sees that the COOK has turned towards the DUCHESS , and is swinging a plate, ready to throw
it.
ALICE: No!
DUCHESS: Catch!
The DUCHESS throws the baby to ALICE , who catches it safely. The DUCHESS catches the plate.
There, you see.
The baby wriggles in ALICE ’s arms. She’s quite shaken by the moment.
ALICE: Yeah, OK, I –
DUCHESS: Thank you, Cookie.
The DUCHESS starts to swing the plate to throw to ALICE .
ALICE: I don’t think we need to do it ag –
The DUCHESS throws the plate.
Help!
ALICE throws the baby to the COOK , who catches it, having just thrown another plate to the DUCHESS .
They continue throwing the plates and the baby around in the circle.
What happens now?
DUCHESS: You keep going until the music stops.
ALICE: What music?
The WONDERBAND appear out of nowhere and play music.
The game continues, with the COOK and DUCHESS stepping back each time to widen the circle and make the throwing harder, to ALICE ’s dismay.
When the music stops, ALICE finds she’s the one holding the baby.
DUCHESS: And that’s the end of the game. Well done everyone, very good.
The baby farts.
Well done baby.
ALICE: Great – thank you, that was enormous –
ALICE tries to hand the baby back to the DUCHESS .
DUCHESS: No no, you must give the prizes.
ALICE: OK. Did someone win?
DUCHESS: Everybody won, and all must have prizes.
The COOK applauds, excited.
ALICE: Um, I haven’t got – I haven’t got anything.
DUCHESS: What have you got in your pocket?
ALICE goes for her pocket, struggling to keep hold of the baby, who’s still wriggling. She pulls out a couple of small objects.
ALICE: I’ve got a lip balm and a lemon Starburst.
DUCHESS: Oh super!
The DUCHESS dashes in and grabs the lemon Starburst for herself. ALICE holds the lipbalm towards the COOK who snatches it. The DUCHESS stuffs the sweet into her mouth.
ALICE: Um, you have to take the paper off –
The COOK winds up the lip balm and takes a bite out of it. The DUCHESS starts to back away from ALICE .
DUCHESS: And your prize is the baby.
ALICE: Sorry, what?
DUCHESS: You get to keep the baby.
ALICE: No no, wait – No, hang on, you can’t –
The COOK takes another bite of the lip balm and then also starts to back away.
DUCHESS: (Departing.) You’re terribly good with him – he loves you.
ALICE: What am I going to do with a baby? Hello?
The baby wriggles.
Stop wriggling – like holding a jellyfish.
ALICE tries to follow the COOK and DUCHESS , but she can’t hold the baby and move. As ALICE stands there, even the kitchen starts to retreat away from her.
Oh what, you’re leaving as well, are you?
The kitchen stops momentarily, as if chastened, then continues to creep back away from her.
ALICE looks down at the baby in her arms. He’s still screaming.
Oh please stop that.
ALICE tries bouncing the baby.
Come on – bouncy bouncy –
BABY: Oink!
ALICE: Pardon?
BABY: Oink!
ALICE looks at the BABY ’s face properly for the first time.
ALICE: Oh my god. You look like –
BABY: Oink!
The BABY wriggles free of its blankets and the head of a piglet appears, wearing a baby’s bonnet.
ALICE: You’re actually a pig. Oh god this is too weird.
The piglet wriggles so hard that ALICE is forced to let him down onto the floor.
OK, OK, you want to go –
The piglet dashes off on a winding course until out of sight.
No, wait – wait – you’re not supposed to –
You’re on your own, kid. Computer game’s broken. I think I’m lost.
During this, a number of candy-striped poles grow up out
from the work and glares at the DUCHESS .
No, nothing dear.
The DUCHESS looks at ALICE .
Party game!
ALICE: Sorry?
DUCHESS: To celebrate.
ALICE: I’ve still got to go, though, so –
DUCHESS: Cookie – bring the plates.
ALICE: The game has plates?
DUCHESS: Spread out everyone.
The COOK and the DUCHESS form two points of a triangle, with ALICE being the other point.
Now, this is what you have to do –
ALICE sees that the COOK has turned towards the DUCHESS , and is swinging a plate, ready to throw
it.
ALICE: No!
DUCHESS: Catch!
The DUCHESS throws the baby to ALICE , who catches it safely. The DUCHESS catches the plate.
There, you see.
The baby wriggles in ALICE ’s arms. She’s quite shaken by the moment.
ALICE: Yeah, OK, I –
DUCHESS: Thank you, Cookie.
The DUCHESS starts to swing the plate to throw to ALICE .
ALICE: I don’t think we need to do it ag –
The DUCHESS throws the plate.
Help!
ALICE throws the baby to the COOK , who catches it, having just thrown another plate to the DUCHESS .
They continue throwing the plates and the baby around in the circle.
What happens now?
DUCHESS: You keep going until the music stops.
ALICE: What music?
The WONDERBAND appear out of nowhere and play music.
The game continues, with the COOK and DUCHESS stepping back each time to widen the circle and make the throwing harder, to ALICE ’s dismay.
When the music stops, ALICE finds she’s the one holding the baby.
DUCHESS: And that’s the end of the game. Well done everyone, very good.
The baby farts.
Well done baby.
ALICE: Great – thank you, that was enormous –
ALICE tries to hand the baby back to the DUCHESS .
DUCHESS: No no, you must give the prizes.
ALICE: OK. Did someone win?
DUCHESS: Everybody won, and all must have prizes.
The COOK applauds, excited.
ALICE: Um, I haven’t got – I haven’t got anything.
DUCHESS: What have you got in your pocket?
ALICE goes for her pocket, struggling to keep hold of the baby, who’s still wriggling. She pulls out a couple of small objects.
ALICE: I’ve got a lip balm and a lemon Starburst.
DUCHESS: Oh super!
The DUCHESS dashes in and grabs the lemon Starburst for herself. ALICE holds the lipbalm towards the COOK who snatches it. The DUCHESS stuffs the sweet into her mouth.
ALICE: Um, you have to take the paper off –
The COOK winds up the lip balm and takes a bite out of it. The DUCHESS starts to back away from ALICE .
DUCHESS: And your prize is the baby.
ALICE: Sorry, what?
DUCHESS: You get to keep the baby.
ALICE: No no, wait – No, hang on, you can’t –
The COOK takes another bite of the lip balm and then also starts to back away.
DUCHESS: (Departing.) You’re terribly good with him – he loves you.
ALICE: What am I going to do with a baby? Hello?
The baby wriggles.
Stop wriggling – like holding a jellyfish.
ALICE tries to follow the COOK and DUCHESS , but she can’t hold the baby and move. As ALICE stands there, even the kitchen starts to retreat away from her.
Oh what, you’re leaving as well, are you?
The kitchen stops momentarily, as if chastened, then continues to creep back away from her.
ALICE looks down at the baby in her arms. He’s still screaming.
Oh please stop that.
ALICE tries bouncing the baby.
Come on – bouncy bouncy –
BABY: Oink!
ALICE: Pardon?
BABY: Oink!
ALICE looks at the BABY ’s face properly for the first time.
ALICE: Oh my god. You look like –
BABY: Oink!
The BABY wriggles free of its blankets and the head of a piglet appears, wearing a baby’s bonnet.
ALICE: You’re actually a pig. Oh god this is too weird.
The piglet wriggles so hard that ALICE is forced to let him down onto the floor.
OK, OK, you want to go –
The piglet dashes off on a winding course until out of sight.
No, wait – wait – you’re not supposed to –
You’re on your own, kid. Computer game’s broken. I think I’m lost.
During this, a number of candy-striped poles grow up out
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