A Brand-New Me! Read Online Free PDF Page A

that phrase.
    â€œThank goodness, Robert, because every time you laugh, your nose starts to drip, and I wish you wouldn’t do that on my carpet.”
    â€œHank, you exaggerate so much,” Emily said. “Robert’s nose has never dripped on your carpet. The closest it ever came was that time on your desk.”
    â€œEeuuwww,” I said. “Were you guys in here when I wasn’t?”
    â€œIt’s not just your room, you know? It’s Harry’s room, too, and he said we could come in. He wanted to meet Robert.”
    I turned to Harry and said, “What were you thinking, little bro?”
    â€œIt was a scientific meeting,” Robert said. “I’m studying the development of baby toes and fingers. See, I made this baby ruler out of construction paper. Did you know his little toe is exactly one-fourth of an inch long? I can convert that to centimeters if you’d like.”
    â€œDon’t twist your brain into a tizzy, Robert. I can live without that piece of information.”
    â€œWell, let me tell you that your brother’s toe is shorter than your mother’s fingernail. Scientifically speaking, that is.”
    â€œRobert, could I ask you to leave now?” I said, trying to sound polite. “And take Emily with you?”
    â€œWe were just leaving, anyway,” said Emily. “It’s time to put Katherine down for her nap. Harry and Katherine are on the same schedule, you know?”
    â€œI suppose you know that the iguana eyelid moves up from the bottom to cover the top eyelid when the animal is asleep,” Robert added, as if anyone had been discussing iguana eyelids in the first place.
    â€œI did know that, Robert. Oh, and here’s something else I know. Wait. It’s coming into my brain. Yes, here it is! It’s time for you to leave.”
    Emily and Robert slithered out, just the same way they had slithered in. When I heard the door click behind them, I turned back to my mom.
    â€œSo, Mom. What am I going to do?”
    â€œI’ll tell you what we’re going to do, honey. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to call Principal Love and have a conference to discuss where you applied and which one will be the best middle school option for Hank Zipzer.”
    â€œI’d like to come to that conference,” I said.
    â€œI’ve never heard you say that before, Hank. And I agree with you. You should be there.”
    With that, Harry decided it was time for him to get in on the action. As I tickled him under his third chin, he laughed and belched at the same time. To me, it sounded like he was agreeing that I should be at the meeting.
    Then he barfed up a little milk that landed on my jeans. I had no idea what that meant . . . except that it was time to change my jeans.

CHAPTER 8
    The only good thing about the meeting with Principal Love was that I got to miss my math test. At eleven thirty, when Ms. Adolf told me it was time for me to leave class and join my parents in the school office, I jumped out of my chair, pumped my fist and shouted, “You don’t have to ask me twice!”
    â€œHenry,” Ms. Adolf said. “Being called to the principal’s is no cause for celebration, and absolutely no reason to be disruptive. I’ve told you over and over again, you are in great need of controlling your verbal outbursts.”
    â€œCome to think of it, Ms. Adolf, I was just having that very conversation with my lips and tongue.”
    The class cracked up. Ms. Adolf did not crack a smile, however. She didn’t even crack a twitch. Instead, she tapped her gray shoe on the linoleum floor and folded her gray arms on her chest so that only her gray fingers were sticking out of her gray sleeves.
    â€œWhen, and if, you advance to middle school, Henry, your childish antics will be appreciated even less.”
    â€œIs that even possible, Ms. Adolf?”
    I didn’t really mean to say that, either, but