Reasons to Stay Alive (HC) Read Online Free PDF Page A

the self but it is still not the self.
    But with depression and anxiety the pain isn’t something you think about because it is thought. You are not your back but you are your thoughts.
    If your back hurts it might hurt more by sitting down. If your mind hurts it hurts by thinking. And you feel there is no real, easy equivalent of standing back up. Though often this feeling itself is a lie.

The Bank of Bad Days
    WHEN YOU ARE very depressed or anxious – unable to leave the house, or the sofa, or to think of anything but the depression – it can be unbearably hard. Bad days come in degrees. They are not all equally bad. And the really bad ones, though horrible to live through, are useful for later. You store them up. A bank of bad days. The day you had to run out of the supermarket. The day you were so depressed your tongue wouldn’t move. The day you made your parents cry. The day you nearly threw yourself off a cliff. So if you are having another bad day you can say, Well, this feels bad, but there have been worse . And even when you can think of no worse day – when the one you are living is the very worst there has ever been – you at least know the bank exists and that you have made a deposit.

Things depression says to you
    HEY, SAD-SACK!
    Yes, you!
    What are you doing? Why are you trying to get out of bed?
    Why are you trying to apply for a job? Who do you think you are? Mark Zuckerberg?
    Stay in bed.
    You are going to go mad. Like Van Gogh. You might cut off your ear.
    Why are you crying?
    Because you need to put the washing on?
    Hey. Remember your dog, Murdoch? He’s dead. Like your grandparents.
    Everyone you have ever met will be dead this time next century.
    Yep. Everyone you know is just a collection of slowly deteriorating cells.

    Look at the people walking outside. Look at them. There. Outside the window. Why can’t you be like them?
    There’s a cushion. Let’s just stay here and look at it and contemplate the infinite sadness of cushions.
    PS. I’ve just seen tomorrow. It’s even worse.

Facts
    WHEN YOU ARE trapped inside something that feels so unreal, you look for anything that can give you a sense of your bearings. I craved knowledge. I craved facts. I searched for them like lifebuoys in the sea. But statistics are tricky things.
    Things that occur in the mind can often be hidden. Indeed, when I first became ill I spent a lot of energy on looking normal. People often only know someone is suffering if they tell them, and with depression that doesn’t always happen, especially if you are male (more on that later). Also, over time, facts have changed. Indeed, whole concepts and words change. Depression didn’t used to be depression. It used to be melancholia, and far fewer people suffered from that than they do from current depression. But did they really? Or are people more open about such things?
    But anyway, here are some of the facts we have right now.

    SUICIDE FACTS
    Suicide is the leading cause of death among men under the age of thirty-five.
    Suicide rates vary widely depending on where you are in the world. For instance, if you live in Greenland you are twenty-seven times more likely to kill yourself than if you live in Greece.
    A million people a year kill themselves. Between ten and twenty million people a year try to. Worldwide, men are over three times more likely to kill themselves than women.
    DEPRESSION FACTS
    One in five people get depression at some point in their lives. (Though obviously more than that will suffer from mental illness.)
    Anti-depressants are on the rise almost everywhere. Iceland has the highest consumption, followed by Australia, Canada, Denmark, Sweden, Portugal and the UK.
    Twice as many women as men will suffer a serious bout of depression in their lives.
    Combined anxiety and depression is most common inthe UK, followed by anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, ‘pure’ depression, phobias, eating disorders, OCD, and panic disorder.
    Women are more