A Brand-New Me! Read Online Free PDF Page B

the record for the highest scorer in our senior league. He’s just gotten a silver pass for a lifetime of free root beer.”
    That seemed to make my mom really happy.
    I wondered how such a nice guy like Mr. McKelty could have produced such a mutant excuse for a son.
    â€œI can see you in my office now,” Principal Love said, turning to my parents. “And Mr. McKelty, thank you for coming in. I think Nicholas will really enjoy MS 245.”
    Oh, this was a great moment. I had Nick the Tick right where I wanted him.
    â€œNick!” I said, in a voice filled with surprise. “You had a choice between studying in the White House and MS 245 . . . and you chose to hang with us? Wow! I think I speak for the entire student body . . . we are so grateful!”
    Mrs. Crock almost spit out her mouthful of leafy greens. My parents looked at each other, very confused. The Statue of Liberty mole on Principal Love’s cheek started to twitch, getting ready to do the hula. Only Mr. McKelty could find the words to speak.
    â€œNick,” he said, giving the Tick a harsh look, which was fun to see. “You haven’t been making up outrageous stories again, have you?”
    If I had a mouthful of leafy greens, I would have spit them out, too.
    â€œNo, Dad. I always tell the truth.”
    â€œYeah,” I said before my brain could stop my lips and tongue. “Truth times one hundred.”
    There it was. Finally out in the open.
    â€œNick’s had a problem with that ever since he was little,” his dad said.
    It’s a good thing I got control of my mouth area, because otherwise I would have said, “No kidding? Was he ever little?”
    Mr. McKelty did not seem happy.
    â€œNick, we’d better get going,” he said. “We don’t want to keep the Zipzers from their meeting. Besides, you and I are going to have a little conversation about consequences.”
    â€œDad, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
    â€œYou’ll have plenty of opportunity to think about what I said while you’re grounded in your room for the next two weeks.”
    That was music to my ears. No matter what was going to happen in Principal Love’s office in the next few minutes, nothing could top that moment. It was one of the ten greatest sentences I could ever have heard.

CHAPTER 9
    THE OTHER NINE GREATEST SENTENCES I COULD EVER HAVE HEARD
    1. Mr. Zipzer, your private roller coaster is ready for you now.
    2. We’re sorry to inform you that your sister, Emily, will have to repeat the fourth grade because she failed math, science, language arts, and she really sucked at spelling.
    3. Ms. Adolf will no longer be teaching at PS 87 due to her decision to ride a barrel over Niagara Falls.
    4. The Mets baseball organization is happy to inform you that you have been drafted and will start at first base in the World Series.
    5. Hi, Hank, it’s Katie Sperling. Would you like to go to the movies Saturday afternoon . . . my treat?
    6. I can’t really focus on Number Six now because my head is still back with Katie Sperling, who is only the most beautiful girl in PS 87.
    7. Okay, I’m better now.
    8. Hi, Hank, it’s Mom. I just bought a butt gadget which we can attach to Harry that will make his diapers smell like movie popcorn.
    9. Your sister’s iguana, Katherine, has just bought a plane ticket back to Brazil . . . one way.
    10. Hank, your mother and I are so proud of you.

CHAPTER 10
    Ten minutes later, as we sat there listening to Principal Love drone on about my past, present, and future, I snuck a glance over at my dad and noticed that his left eye was starting to droop, which meant his right eye was not far behind. Principal Love has that effect on people—he’s like a human sleeping pill. I watched my dad struggling to stay awake, and wanted to burst out laughing, but for one of the first times in my life, I actually exercised