2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing Read Online Free PDF Page B

don’t have too good a business sense. Like, one time I bought the bar concession for A.A. meetings.
    A rather disturbing thing happened last week.
    A management team came into the office and gave everybody an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for. Most were best suited for unemployment.
    Maybe things were better in the days before technology took over. Cigarette lighters didn’t work but people did.
    I wouldn’t say I’ve been the greatest success in the world. In fact, when they want to teach someone the business from the ground up, they start with my job.
    An employee is someone who welcomes suggestions with an open mind—and closed fists.
    Yesterday I came home from a business dinner carrying a doggie bag and my wife met me at the door with three little words, “Woof! Woof! Woof!”
BUTCHERS
    I don’t know why they call it take-home pay.
    I can never get it past the butcher.
    Do you know what they’re charging for a steak these days? In our neighborhood the kids don’t play Cops and Robbers anymore. They play Cops and Butchers.
    And if you want to know why they’re called butchers, look what they do to your budget!
    They take advantage of women. I told my wife, “This morning I went in to our butcher. I said, ‘Let’s stop this nonsense. I want something that’s lean, red, tender, and it shouldn’t cost more than a dollar a pound!’ ” My wife said, “What did he give you?” I said, “Raspberry Jell-O.”
    That’s the thing to be today—a butcher. A butcher shop is where steaks, pork chops, lamb chops, and customers get trimmed.… Not necessarily in that order.
    There’s a new game called Butcher’s Roulette. You take your life savings and you’re given the names of six different butcher shops—and one of them is open.
    One butcher went to a psychiatrist. He said he was afraid of height. The doctor cured him just like that [ SNAP YOUR FINGERS ]! Told him not to sit on his wallet.
    The saddest story I ever heard was about a butcher who wanted to become a brain surgeon but he couldn’t afford the cut in pay.
    It’s incredible. The butchers claim they’re not making any money. The wholesalers claim they’re not making any money. The ranchers claim they’re not making any money. So who’s making the money? Sometimes I get the uneasy feeling that somewhere there are cows buying mutual funds!
    Have you checked out the price of beef lately?
    If anybody says, “Holy cow!”—you better believe it!
    Do you know they’re charging two dollars a pound for ribs?
    I wouldn’t pay two dollars a pound for ribs if they were attached to Raquel Welch!
    I’ll tell you how high meat prices are.
    Even plumbers are beginning to notice.
    Meat prices are so high, I’m on a very special kind of diet. I go to the butcher shop and eat my heart out!
    Did you hear what happened down the street? A housewife walked in and robbed a butcher! There’s a switch.
    The dictionary has a new definition for beef. That’s what you do when the butcher tells you the price.
    Unfortunately, we have a butcher who likes to rub it in. I mean, I don’t mind his wearing a diamond ring. I don’t even mind his smoking two-dollar cigars. It’s that mink apron that gets to me!
    I’m so naïve. Up until I met this butcher, I never knew Rolls-Royce made a delivery truck.
    He doesn’t even try to sell you the good cuts of meat anymore. For the last six months the thickest thing he’s put on the scale is his thumb!
    My wife’s a weight watcher. With our butcher you have to be.
    My butcher has a very interesting scale.
    Yesterday a fly landed on it—4½ pounds!
    You know you’re in trouble when the butcher puts the wax paper on the scale and that alone weighs thirty-eight cents!

 
CAMPING
    Show me a voice crying in the wilderness and I’ll show you