2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing Read Online Free PDF

monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.” I said, “I don’t get it.” He said, “That’s right.”
    I knew the boss was going to talk about my salary when he said it’s the little things that count.
    Now I know why they call it take-home pay.
    You wouldn’t want to be seen with it in public.
    My boss is all heart. He really is. He’s the one who tried to buy the lifebelt concession on the
Titanic.
    I told my wife the boss saw me today and said, “There’s a man on his way up!” She said, “That’s great. What were you doing?” I said, “Buying elevator shoes!”
    It’s all in the way you look at it. Telling the boss what you really think of him can be called honesty, integrity, and self-assertiveness. It can also be called a do-it-yourself recession.
    The boss just told us we’re going to have a fire sale.
    Anyone who doesn’t make a sale is going to get fired!
BUMPER STICKERS
    I bought a bumper sticker for my subcompact saying: HELP SAVE THE REDWOODS OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON . It wrapped around twice.
    Do you think this could start a trend? I saw a bumper sticker saying: CODDLE EGGS, NOT CHILDREN !
    EATING DRIED BEEF IS JERKY.
    AESOP IS ALIVE AND A GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN.
    USHERS ARE COMPULSIVE SEATERS !
    LAKE ERIE REALLY IS.
    BIRDWATCHERS ARE CHEEP DATES.
    FOG IS AN EXTREMIST.
    A.A. MEMBERS MAKE SOUSE CALLS.
    JACK THE RIPPER IS ALIVE AND WELL AND PROCESSING PARCEL POST.
    MAGICIANS ARE A VANISHING SPECIES.
    SEN SEN HIDES A MULTITUDE OF GINS.
    WELFARE ROLLS COULD USE SOME SHORTENING.
    MEXICAN FOOD IS A PEPPER TIGER !
    INTUITION IS A CASE OF MIND OVER DATA.
    RACIAL PREJUDICE IS A PIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.
    SUMMER STOCK IS A USED STAR LOT.
    CONSERVATISM IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
    WATER SKIERS ARE A DRAG.
BUSINESS
    Getting ahead in business is like owning a twelve-year-old car—the most important thing is push!
    I’m so busy, the only breather I’ve had was an anonymous phone caller.
    In business, an ounce of future is worth a pound of past.
    Work is important. If it wasn’t for work, where would people rest up from vacations?
    A partnership is when you hope to get, together.
    Frankly, I’m doing very well in business. I have the Murine concession at the [ LOCALIZE ] Bus Terminal.
    Business is really looking up. We carpeted our bathroom this year, and if we do as well next year, we’re going to carpet the path out to it!
    Our corner bakery is very successful because it operates on sound business principles—big profits, small turnovers.
    Running a business these days is like Mickey Rooney dancing with Raquel Welch. The overhead is fantastic!
    The trouble with most businessmen is, they don’t use enough imagination. Like I have an idea that could double the business of any department store in the country. Make all the escalators UP.
    The whole trick to being successful in business is to continually find new markets for your present product. For instance, has anyone ever tried to convince an octopus he needs underarm deodorant?
    The free-enterprise system is always coming up with new ways to make money. For instance, there’s a new type of barroom. It has free beer and pay washrooms!
    I bought myself a franchise,
    And maybe I’m just daft;
    But what they call a gold mine,
    To me is just a shaft!
    I’m getting a little worried about the rat race.
    I don’t know if I’m slowing up or they’re bringing in faster rats!
    I made two big mistakes last year. The first big mistake was starting a new business. The second was starting it in a fireproof building.
    We should have shown a bigger profit this year except that we did a lot that could be classified as R & D—Real Dumb!
    I don’t mind telling you, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in business. I once bought a parking lot that only had room for one car. What made it even worse—I drove to work!
    I really