2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing Read Online Free PDF Page A

upside down.
    I don’t want to complain about my body, but I didn’t know God made Edsels.
    Every morning I get up, bend over, and touch my toes.
    Unfortunately it’s with my stomach!
    Every day my wife bends over and touches the floor fifty times. It’s not exercise. It’s picking up the kids’ clothes.
    The only thing my kids have ever picked up is chicken pox.
    If you want to keep fit, there are two ways to touch your toes. Either you go down to them—or get careless with a power mower and they’ll come up to you!
    You know what’s a great exercise? Weight lifting!
    Well, it’s not really the weight lifting. It’s the running around you do when you drop one on your foot.
    Weight lifting has made stars out of a lot of people—Mr. America, Mr. Universe, Dolly Parton.
BOOKS
    Have you read some of the books they’re selling these days? I saw one book that was so daring, the last page was a summons!
    It’s the kind of book that convinces you the pen is mightier than the sword. The pig pen, that is.
    I can always tell when I’m going to give birth to an idea. My writer’s cramps start coming two minutes apart.
    I love to read. I once went through every page of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and it really taught me something: Never hide a five-dollar bill without marking the place!
    The first thing you have to overcome when reading a children’s book to your five-year-old—is nausea.
    Have you seen any of these children’s books? They’re all about Jane, Dick, and Spot. Spot is a dog—and Jane is nothing to brag about either.
    But you do get involved in these stories. I read one— JANE LIKES BREAD. JANE LIKES OATMEAL. JANE LIKES ICE CREAM. JANE LIKES PICKLES. You don’t think …? Naaaahhhh!
BOSS
    Please don’t think of me as the boss. Think of me as a navigator on the Sea of Confusion.
    You remember the boss. He’s the crank that gets the wheels of progress started.
    You can understand why some employees have a hard time by analyzing the word BOSS. That’s a backward double S.O.B.
    A boss is like the center on a football team. He always feels things are going on behind his back.
    For a real quick energy boost, nothing beats having the boss walk in.
    A real boss is someone who puts a sign reading SUGGESTION BOX —on the paper shredder.
    Nowadays you can always tell a boss with compassion. He doesn’t let you go. He just says you’ve been de-hired.
    I didn’t say the boss is quick to fire. I just said they’re now calling his office Boot Hill.
    I don’t want to say anything about my boss, but you know how some people worry about being replaced by a computer? I worry about being replaced by a slave.
    Maybe you know my boss. He’s the one who expects a maximum effort for a minimum wage.
    You remember the boss. He’s the one who believes that work is the only way to repair a coffee break.
    I won’t say the boss is a slave driver but he just posted a sign saying: “ NO PARKING 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. ” What he posted it on was my chair.
    I’ll say one thing for the boss: He’s fair.
    Yesterday he came up to me and said, “[ YOUR NAME ], I’d like to give you the day off—but if I did, I’d have to do the same for everyone else whose wife gave birth to quintuplets on her fiftieth birthday.”
    My boss thinks I’m a white-collar worker.
    My laundryman would give him an argument!
    Bosses who hire relatives have a payroll that just won’t quit!
    It’s easy to tell the people in our office who get along with the boss. They’re the ones with shoe polish on their lips.
    Somebody must be asking the boss for a raise.
    I’d know that laugh anywhere.
    I asked the boss if I could get a raise and he said, “Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position’s productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be