03 Before The Devil Knows You're Dead-Speak Of The Devil Read Online Free PDF Page A

into matrimonial sorrow three months earlier.
    Not that I’m against marriage. I’d even planned on trying it once but fate, and the unfortunate appearance of my father in his twelve-foot tall, fire-breathing form had squashed that possibility.
    Meanwhile, my mother had decided that her marriage meant she could be even more silly, vain, and demanding than she had been previously—which was sort of amazing if you think about Roisin Bettincourt becoming even more of a diva than usual. From what I understood she had my father’s entire staff hopping from morning till night now that she was set to become the Queen of Hell, and those guys never hop.
    “No, Roisin,” Matt said, his voice bored. “Your daughter and I are not having sex right now.”
    There was a brief pause and he let out a loud, dramatic sigh. “Why not? Well, because now doesn’t really seem like an appropriate time or place. Especially since we’re in a public coffee shop and Faith is busy taking care of Lisa.”
    Matt blushed and I could tell that my mother had said something inappropriate. Not surprising—she was probably offering to chant for our libidos or something. Instead of waiting for their conversation to drift into something even worse I grabbed the phone and pressed it to my ear.
    “What do you want, Mother?”
    “Faith?” she asked, her voice high and breathy sounding. “Is that you, dear?”
    “Yes, Mom, you did call my phone after all.”
    “Well I know I did, dear,” she whined, “but Matt said you were indisposed caring for Lisa. Is she ill?”
    “She’s pregnant Mom. Pregnant.”
    “So she’s not sick?”
    “No she’s not sick. Unless she sees food, smells food, hears about food, or thinks about food, and then she’s miserable. It’s called morning sickness. You’ve been pregnant twice; I think you’ve heard of it.”
    “Of course I’ve heard of morning sickness, but I’ve never suffered it. I’m not that delicate.” Mom sniffed and I knew she was preening.
    Mom had a competitive streak a mile wide and for some reason had set her sights on Lisa. Why, I don’t really know, but it seemed like she wouldn’t be content until everyone considered her more regal than the woman her stepson, the Crown Prince of Hell, had married.
    “Naturally you’re not but I’m sure you didn’t call to talk about Lisa. What do you need?”
    “Who says I need anything?”
    “Mom.”
    “Fine,” she huffed. “I need you to take me shopping.”
    “Why?”
    “Why do I need you to take me shopping? Well, because I need to buy some clothing for various coronation related festivities and general everyday wear. Apparently Hell has become a bit more fashion-conscious than I first thought.”
    “So?”
    “Do you know during my last royal tour Lilith was wearing Armani? Armani. Meanwhile, I was wearing that cute, cruelty-free cotton gypsy skirt I got on Etsy—you know the red one with the green-apple print?—and a pair of Toms espadrilles.”
    “Oh boy.” I closed my eyes before rubbing a hand over my forehead. If there were anyone she wanted to compete with more than Lisa, it was Lisa’s mother-in-law, and Dad’s ex-wife, Lilith—the Archdemoness of Lust—otherwise known as the world’s first hardcore fashionista.
    “So you see, it’s obvious why you have to take me shopping. I can’t go around in stuff from Etsy when she’s in Armani. Think about what people will say.”
    “No, I understand why you want to go shopping. What I want to know is why do I have to go with you? More important, why do I have to drive? Dad has six cars. Surely you can use one of them?”
    “She doesn’t have a driver’s license,” my dad called out from the background, his voice far away sounding.
    “What?”
    “It’s no big deal,” Mom said, her voice a low growl, “but it seems that my license expired and I didn’t realize it.”
    “Then she failed the test. Before they ever got out of the parking lot,” Dad yelled and I could