Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Read Online Free PDF Page A

than those skanks.
    So obviously a dude like this is pulling down tail left and right
    like he’s trying on costumes at the Godzilla costume warehouse
    but his favorite chick is this broad named Eurydice.
    I don’t know that much about her
    but probably she was pretty hot
    because, I mean Orpheus was essentially the ultimate rock star
    with, like
    additional rock stars taped to each of his fingers.
    He had his pick of the crop is what I’m saying.
    But Eurydice is none too bright.
    because one day
    when she and Orpheus are out walking
    she steps on a shitload of snakes
    and the snakes kill her, obviously.
    This is what happens when you step on snakes.
    If only Tiresias had been around this might never have happened.
    So Orpheus just sits right down and composes THE ULTIMATE EMO SYMPHONY.
    It is so incredibly drenched in secret pain
    that Zeus comes down and is like “Hey, man
    I cannot get these chicks in the mood with this Linkin Park shit you got goin’ on.
    Play some Barry Manilow or something, jeez.”
    But Orpheus says “Sorry, man I am just way too bummed.”
    and Zeus says “Okay, crybaby
    why don’t you just go down to Hades and get your lady back, then?”
    Orpheus says “I think I will.”
    So Orpheus goes to Hades
    and he just charms the pants off of Hades so hard
    with his lyre and his singing
    that Hades says
    “Fine, dude.
    Give me back my pants you just charmed off
    and I will give you back your woman
    but only if you pass a ludicrous and arbitrary test:
    See, your chick’s ghost will follow you all the way out of Hades
    but you can’t look at her until you’re both in the real world, or I get her for keepsies.
    Make sense?”
    and Orpheus says, “Not really, but okay.”
    And he starts walking.
    And on the way out he sees a bunch of demons
    So he’s like “Hey, demons.”
    And they’re like “’Sup, Orpheus?”
    And he says, “Oh, just leading my chick out of hell.”
    And they say, “Your chick? What chick?”
    and then they kind of chuckle a little bit.
    So this is making Orpheus nervous like, REAL nervous
    and he really wants to look
    but he knows he can’t look
    so at the VERY MOMENT that he steps out of Hades
    he turns around to see if she’s really there
    and guess what?
    SHE IS
    but she is STILL IN HELL.
    So Orpheus fails the test
    and Eurydice disappears forever
    and he’s back to square motherfuckin’ one.
    This upsets him so much that he vows to only screw underaged boys for the rest of his life.
    So he goes and sits on a hill
    and dyes his hair black and just plays emo shit all the time
    until one day all of these followers of Bacchus show up
    and they’re like “Hey, dude, we’re having a party right here right now.
    You still down with Bacchus?”
    and Orpheus is like “Fuck no. I only worship the SUN.”
    And they are like “Dude, are you sure about that?
    We are a bunch of hot chicks and we are about to have an orgy
    and only people who are down with Bacchus are invited to the orgy.”
    And Orpheus says “Hell no. I only have sex with people’s SONS.”
    And the chicks are all like, “Well, okay, if you say so”
    and then they tear off his skin
    and rape his corpse
    and rip his head off
    and chuck it into a river
    along with his lyre which he is inexplicably still able to play
    and he just floats off down the river making awesome music forever.
    So the moral of the story is
    Unless you can play your instrument with your head ripped off
    and your arms and skin missing
    You Are Not a Real Musician.

F RIENDS D ON ’ T L ET F RIENDS B ANG C OWS
    So this dude Minos is having all kinds of problems being king of Crete
    because his brothers all want to be the king of Crete instead
    so they are all murdering each other like nonstop
    until Minos is like “Hey, Poseidon you should make me win.”
    And Poseidon is all “Okay I am going to send you a bitchin’ white bull.
    It means you will win
    but you have to kill it later in my honor.”
    And Minos says “Sure, okay,