Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Read Online Free PDF Page B

the Romans are goddamn copycatters
    and maybe you have listened to some scientists or some creation scientists
    and you know one or two other ways.
    Listen
    I want you to forget everything you know about creation myths
    because this myth
    is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE WONDERMENT
    and if you do not have a dick it is going to SEW ONE ON
    and then IMMEDIATELY BLOW IT OFF.
    Wanna know why?
    because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME.
    SHIT YEAH.
    So to start out, the world is already pretty badass.
    It is just two things:
    One is a sea of pure all-devouring fire called Muspell
    guarded by a dude named Surt who is just WAITING
    to ride out and murder all the gods and then set the world on fire.
    By comparison, the other half of the world is pretty lame.
    It is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim.
    But the best part is that in between Muspell and Niflheim
    there is a big-ass trench called Ginnungagap
    which is empirically proven to be the number one funnest thing to say.
    Go ahead and say it. I’ll wait.
    So Ginnungagap is where shit starts to get real
    because the cold from Niflheim
    bumps up against the heat from Muspell
    and causes a bunch of vapor to condense
    in Ginnungagap
    to create a frost giant
    in Ginnungagap
    named Ymir
    (not Ginnungagap)
    Actually, Ymir is more of an ogre than a giant
    and he is actually more of a wuss than an ogre
    because what is the first thing this guy does?
    He goes to sleep
    right there
    in Ginnungagap.
    Sleeping and sweating like a motherfucker.
    He sweats so hard
    that a man and a woman grow out of his armpit
    and then he sweats EVEN HARDER
    causing his legs to fuck each other
    and have a baby
    so then this cow shows up and starts shooting milk everywhere
    and Ymir drinks all of it
    ’cause there’s pretty much no one else to drink it
    other than his legbaby and the armpit people.
    Then the cow gets bored and starts licking ice
    and all of this licking melts away enough ice to form the shape of a dude
    or maybe it is just the same dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit.
    (Ymir has mastered the fine art of being a neglectful father.)
    Anyway, this guy’s name is Bor.
    He marries Bestla, the daughter of some giant.
    Maybe the daughter of Ymir, who knows?
    Bor is quite a catch because he is the only man in existence.
    So Bor and Bestla have three kids
    Odin, Vili, and Vé.
    Really the only one anyone gives a shit about is Odin.
    He is the ruler of all things, essentially
    and he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir
    who is probably still asleep
    and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered
    but Odin seems to think that he has become TOO EVIL
    which probably just means that he was snoring REALLY LOUD.
    Whatever the reason, they kill Ymir.
    Nice patricide, Odin.
    What are you going to do next
    further desecrate your grandfather’s body by tearing him apart
    and using his limbs as decoration for a universe you and your brothers are making?
    Yes.
    This is exactly what Odin and his brothers do.
    I mean you gotta give them credit
    they use pretty much every part of this dude.
    Like, not only do they make his blood into lakes and oceans
    and his bones into mountains
    and skin into earth
    and his teeth into tiny rocks
    but they use his skull to make the sky
    which is such a dumb idea that they have to get some cheap slave labor to make it work.
    So they go over to Ymir’s corpse
    which is crawling with maggots at this point
    and they are like “Hey, maggots
    wanna be a sentient humanoid species?”
    And the maggots are like “DO WE?”
    So they turn into dwarves
    and Odin is like “Great, awesome
    how about you repay us by holding up this skull we found.
    We wanted to make it into the sky but skulls are not really meant for that.
    We’ll even name the guys who do it North, South, East, and West.
    It will be awesome.”
    And the dwarves are like “Okay, fine.”
    But listen, guys
    just because they have already used Ymir’s skull and skin and bones and teeth and