Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Read Online Free PDF

just make me king already.”
    So Poseidon sends this bull
    and Minos becomes king
    but then he REALLY likes this bull.
    I don’t think you guys understand what hot shit bulls were in ancient Greece
    you have to remember Minos didn’t have the Internet
    so bulls were like THE HEIGHT OF TECHNOLOGY
    and this was like the APPLE IPAD OF BULLS
    so he decides “How ’bout I don’t kill this bull?
    What’s the worst that could happen?
    I’m already king, right?”
    WRONG.
    Well, I mean, he is already king
    but something bad definitely happens
    because Minos has a wife
    and Poseidon goes and hits up Aphrodite like “You know what you should do?
    You should make Minos’s wife
    fall in love with MY BULL.”
    and Aphrodite looks up from giving Ares a blow job and she’s like “Okay, lemme just finish this.”
    So all of a sudden Minos’s wife is like
mad
attracted to this cow
    but the problem is that the cow is not at all into chicks.
    Human chicks, I mean.
    It’s not a gay cow.
    Not that that would have been a problem.
    Some of my best friends are gay cows.
    But anyway Minos’s wife has this brilliant idea so she calls up this dude Daedalus
    and she is like “I need someone to build me a giant wooden cow suit
    so I can fuck cows”
    and Daedalus
    who is a fantastic genius inventor with no concept of right and wrong
    is like “Sure, no problem.”
    And he makes her the suit
    and she puts it on
    and she goes out and makes hot animal love to that bull
    simultaneously inventing furries
    and getting totally preggers
    and Minos is none the wiser until she gives birth to a HIDEOUS COWBABY
    aka THE MINOTAUR.
    So Minos does the smart thing and calls up the Oracle at Delphi
    because that never leads to bad decisions
    and the Oracle says “Dude, just build a maze around it. No harm no foul.”
    So Minos calls up Daedalus
    (the same Daedalus who caused all these problems with his excellent cow suit)
    and he hires him to build this awesome maze
    and then instead of paying him with money
    he pays him with years in prison
    locked in a tower over the ocean with his son Icarus.
    Minos is a dumbass though
    because he has locked a master craftsman and his son in a tower
    along with an apparently unlimited supply of feathers and wax.
    So they make wings with that stuff
    and jump out the window.
    But you know who else is a dumbass?
    ICARUS
    because he does not understand that the sun is made of heat
    whereas his wings are only made of wax and bird hair
    so he flies way the hell up toward the sun
    and the sun says “Aw
hell
no”
    and Icarus’s wings melt and he drowns
    and his genius dad lives happily ever after no longer hampered by his dumbass son
    or else he flees all over the country for years trying to avoid Minos
    before finally convincing someone to murder Minos in a bathtub
    or maybe both
    and then it turns out Daedalus even fucked up the labyrinth
    because a few weeks later some dick named Theseus just rolls in and kills the minotaur
    and then escapes and gets laid a whole bunch and then falls off a cliff and dies
    but that’s a whole other story and I just told you all the good parts anyway.
    So the moral of the story
    is don’t count your chickens before they hatch
    because the chickens might be minotaurs.



NORSE
    Holy shit, my friends
    this mythos we are coming up on right now
    is the cosmological equivalent of French-kissing a battle-ax.
    These myths are rude, crude, and probably radioactive
    they play music too loud and draw disapproving looks from the elderly
    they will wake your mother up in the middle of the night by driving a Humvee through the armoire.
    Seriously
    any mythology in which the principal characters are a suicidal pirate-wizard
    and what essentially amounts to a beard with a hammer sticking out of it
    is the mythology for me
    and for you too
    once the Norse get through with you.

T HE N ORSE A RE METAL
    So you might already know the way the Greeks thought the world got made
    and also the Romans because