You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice Read Online Free PDF Page A

caprese salad? What then? You’re in luck. My brand-new patent-pending formula is hitting your pharmacist’s shelves as we speak: Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot ™ . Made from the purest infant vomit, spit-up, and diarrhea, Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot ™ both smooths lined, wrinkly skin and soaks up excess bacteria and pus. Just dab a generous amount of this unique night cream onto problem areas and smack on that lipstick, girl! Your friends and/or sexual partners will be too distracted by the glistening slime and offensive odor to notice your repulsive acne sores.
    Good luck!
Michael Showalter
    …
    Dear Michael and/or Michael:
    Can you substitute baking soda for baking powder?
Lauren M .
Manhattan, KS
    Hi Lauren:
    This sounds like the kind of question a terrorist would ask.
Michael Ian Black
    Dear Lauren:
    I revert to my standard motto: “No Substitutions—Genuine Class.”
Michael Showalter
    …
    Dear Michael and/or Michael:
    I’m almost seventy-four years old and my doctor just told me I have genital warts. How the hell is that possible? I was in the military and banged everything that moved, and I get my first STD when I’m old as dirt? That can’t be fair, can it?
The Colonel
West Palm Beach, FL
    Dear Colonel:
    You’re right. It’s not fair. And those who know Michael Showalter know that I am a staunch advocate of our men in uniform. That’s why I’m sponsoring the Veterans of Foreign Wars Gettin’ Freaky Act. This bill will mandate that Uncle Sam pay for that genital wart cream, the herpes antibiotics, the sex-offender rehabilitation courses—whatever it is that you need to keep on gettin’ freaky. It’s not a sexually transmitted disease—it’s a sexually transmitted solution.
Patriotically yours,
Michael Showalter
    Hi Colonel:
    Michael Showalter may say he supports old people, but his rhetoric ignores the cold hard facts: Michael Showalter just doesn’t like old people. I, however, love them, and I’ve thought long and hard about your query, Colonel. Maybe you sat on a very old toilet seat. That is the only possible explanation. (Vote Michael Ian Black for mayor.)
Michael Ian Black

Andy Borowitz
    Dear Andy:
    I shave my head but I’m not bald. Nobody seems to believe me. When did a shaved head become the new comb-over?
Alex Sullivan
Cedar Rapids, IA
    Dear Alex:
    You raise an interesting historical question: When did a shaved head become the new comb-over? Certainly not in 1979, when Persis Khambatta played the shiny-pated Lieutenant Ilia in the first Star Trek movie and ignited no speculation about the plentitude of her follicles. Nor was it in the eighties and nineties, which spawned such high-profile cue balls as Sinéad O’Connor and Vin Diesel. I think you have to jump all the way to the early part of this century for your answer: the suspicious midlife deforestation of Hollywood moguls Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen.
Andy
    …
    Dear Andy:
    I had an abortion last year and made the mistake of telling my mother. She told me that if Mary had an abortion, there never would’ve been a Jesus. I thought about it later and realized she’s right. Long story short, my libido is gone. Any tips on how I can enjoy sex again?
Lindsay S .
Denver, CO
    Dear Lindsay:
    Generally speaking, it’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re thinking about Jesus, Mary, and your mother. I mean, I’m sure your mother is sexy in her own way, but you shouldn’t be thinking about her if you’re trying to come anytime soon. It sounds like you need a surefire turn-on to get back in the game. Have you ever done a guy with a shaved head? Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hook you up.
Andy
    …
    Dear Andy:
    I do all of my reading on the toilet, and because I prefer big, beefy novels, I guess I spend more time on the pot than some might consider healthy. As a result of my excessive bathroom visits, I’ve developed anal fissures. My wife thinks this is a bad thing, but as I’ve repeatedly reminded