You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice Read Online Free PDF

her, I’ll gladly endure a little rectal burning if it means finally finishing Remembrance of Things Past. What do you think?
Brad Gregerson
Greensboro, NC
    Dear Brad:
    I sincerely hope that Lindsay S. of Denver, CO, did not read your letter. She’s having enough trouble with her sex drive already without your planting these horrid images in her mind.
Andy
    …
    Dear Andy:
    My teacher says that the human body is 65 percent water. I don’t think I believe him. If that’s true, then why can’t we breathe underwater? If we’re half water, why does water kill us?
Scott, age 8
San Antonio, TX
    Dear Scott:
    You can’t breathe underwater? Consult your physician immediately. You may be made of sand.
Andy
    …
    Dear Andy:
    My doctor says I have hippocampal sclerosis, but I don’t know. It sounds like a fake disease. Is it for real?
Jennifer Bowden
Jackson, MI
    Dear Jennifer:
    According to Wikipedia, hippocampal sclerosis is a disease whose symptoms include “segmental loss of pyramidal neurons, granule cell dispersion and reactive gliosis.” But I wouldn’t be concerned if I were you—like most things on Wikipedia, it’s probably all made up.
Andy
    …
    Dear Andy:
    Do you remember those comics, Classics Illustrated? Why did they stop making them? Because of CI, I can hold my head up high and say I’ve read The Iliad and Les Misérables. But what about modern classics like … well, I don’t know. Without comics, I’m lost .
Eric Johnson
Brooklyn, NY
    Dear Eric:
    The demise of Classics Illustrated was indeed a negative development, and not just for posers like you. Since CI stopped publishing, the incidence of anal fissures in the United States has shot up 300 percent.
Andy
    …
    Dear Andy:
    What’s another word for “gyneolatry”? I looked it up in the thesaurus and couldn’t find something that really captures the essence of it .
Tongue-tied in San Diego
    Dear Tongue-tied:
    “Insnatchuation.”
Andy

Michael Cera
    Dear Michael:
    Do you think turtles tell jokes? It seems like they could be really funny .
Rilo
Akron, OH
    Dear Rilo:
    I think that turtles definitely do not tell jokes. They could still be funny, I think, but it would be purely based on their appearance and the way that they move really slowly. But if we scrutinize further, we find that the humor ends there, and the sadness of the turtle’s existence washes away all the jokes, culminating as the ultimate truth of the animal.
Michael
    …
    Dear Michael:
    I am beginning to think the word “cobbler” can mean anything you want it to. Person who mends shoes, deep-dish fruit dessert, rejected fabric, or mummichog. Are we moving toward a new world where the only word is “cobbler” and our only clues are inflection? How can I prepare?
Anonymous
Sedona, AR
    Dear Anonymous:
    It’s an interesting point to bring up. Being a purist, I’ve always referred to my mummichog as “mummichog,” and “mummichog” alone. I also tend to refer to people who mend shoes as “feet-housers,” and rejected fabric as “self.” I think we should be civilized and leave “cobbler” to the deep-dish fruit dessert, as it’s such a delicious, deep, fruity word to say and hear and cobble.
Michael
    …
    Dear Michael:
    In middle school my science teacher told me talking to plants helps them grow. What do you think?
Sincerely ,
I’d Rather Not Say
    Dear I’d Rather Not Say:
    I think there’s a very good chance that your middle school science teacher was a bonehead and was trying to impress you by dangling a whole bunch of worthless knowledge in your face.
Michael
    …
    Dear Michael:
    Why is it that educated people are such assholes? I mean, they just looove to flaunt their trivial knowledge. It’s like they want to impress everybody or something .
Jason P .
Warren, MI
    Dear Jason:
    Did you know talking to plants helps them grow?
Michael
    …
    Dear Michael:
    I think my landlady/downstairs neighbor may be selling crack out of her apartment. She also yells very