You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice Read Online Free PDF Page B

loudly at her boyfriend around midnight every night, like clockwork, and makes the house shake with her incoherent, catlike rants. Also, her phone rings a lot. What do I do?
J.J .
Boulder, CO
    Dear J.J.:
    This one is simple. Befriend the boyfriend. B-friend the B-friend. Be a friend. Wait outside the place. When he leaves one day, be casually walking by. Say, “Hey, you live below me, right?” (He says yes) and you say, “Coffee?” (He says yes) and you go to a café and say, “What’s your name anyhow?” (He tells you) and you say, “So, _______, how’s life treating you?” (He says fine) and you say, “Fine is fine with me. Heck, fine is almost as good as good.” (He laughs and smiles) and you say, “I really like making you laugh; we should hang out again soon.” (He says for sure) and you say, “Can I come by and maybe borrow some crack, you think?” (He says sure, you can take some, me and my girlfriend sell crack out of our apartment but we only have a little bit left but you can totally take it) and you say, “That’d be really great; I’d really appreciate that.” (He says what’s mine is yours) and now you have a new friend and an unbelievably convenient crack hookup, and next time you see him it wouldn’t be weird or out of the blue for you to say, “Hey, I heard you guys arguing last night at midnight. Trouble in paradise?” and get the scoop on the yelling situation.
Michael
    …
    Dear Michael:
    I’m not sure what to do this weekend. Got any ideas?
Bored in San Antonio, TX
    Dear Bored:
    Here’s what I think you should do: Go to the garden center and purchase some tree seeds (anything from an arroyo sweetwood to a western soapberry will do), and plant the seeds in your front yard. Wait patiently for the seeds to blossom into a beautiful baby tree (approximately two to three hours), and then talk to it. This will help the tree grow, as well as make it less lonely/bored.
Michael
    …
    Dear Michael:
    How is it that every time I go to the grocery store, I forget to get the milk?
Isadora
Modesto, CA
    Dear Isadora:
    You’ve just got way too much on your mind. You need to clear your head, girl. Spend a weekend in San Antonio; there’s a ton of fun stuff to do there.
Michael

Vernon Chatman and John Lee
    Dear Vernon and/or John:
    Does electrolysis really work? I’m not so sure .
Angie Kritenbrink
Federal Way, WA
    Dear Angie:
    First off, what is Federal Way? That sounds like some sort of lie. There is no “way” for our federation. Like the Death Star or Rome, we are hurtling toward an abysmal destination that only the worthless history books and withered poets can encapsulate, word-wise. As for your question about electrolysis, try covering your hirsutitude with a hat, preferably worn faux-haphazardly askew, as is the style these days.
Vernon and John
    …
    Dear Vernon and/or John:
    My nine-month-old pug named Fang has recently taken a liking to eating his own poop. When I get the chance to actually spend an entire day with him, I feel like he teaches me a thing or two. My question is, should I try eating his poop?
Chris Funk
guitarist for the Decemberists
Portland, OR
    Dear Chris:
    Well, yours is an arrestingly unique conundrum, Mr. Funk. And, in fact, you very well may be joking, as is your human right. But we still intend to answer this question for the benefit of those for whom the nightmare of Spastic Fecal Ingestion is very real. SFI has only recently been acknowledged by the U.S. Medicalry Institute, an organization that itself has yet to be recognized by anyone anywhere. It just so happens that our great-aunt Lillia “suffered” your plight, but she was a fighter to the last who could beat anything, and she “passed” her homeliest of home remedies on to us. Use it wisely: take a quarter-pinch of raw talcum powder and hold it between your two ring toes; douse your back hair in a blend of rainwater, cran-apple cocktail, and Dramamine; pop the ticks on your left arm with a