Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 Read Online Free PDF Page A

Rimer said, “but they were wrong.” Yes, that’ll teach ’em (unless the jail cells still aren’t fixed).
    Source: Associated Press

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Chug-a, Chug-a, Choo-Choo!
    A s anyone who has overindulged knows, there’s blacking out, and then there’s blacking out. The first of these happens when you wake up the morning after a hard night of drinking at home, you’re still in your clothes from the night before, and you have no idea how you wound up sleeping on the kitchen floor.
    Somewhere past that is what happened to “Jorge,” a hard-drinking Mexican citizen from the town of San Nicholas de los Garza. It seems that after a night of enthusiastic imbibing, Jorge lost track of, well, pretty much everything until he woke up with paramedics standing over his body, looking at him like he was some really interesting specimen of road kill.
    Which in a way he was. The night before in a beer-hazed stupor, Jorge had apparently confused the local railroad tracks with his own bed. He snuggled down in between the rails for a long winter’s nap. After he woke up, Jorge was shocked to learn what he had slept through: a train just plain running over him.
    As it turns out, it’s probably a good thing Jorge was so drunk because he did not move a muscle, which allowed the train to pass over his heavily slumbering body by a margin of just a few inches. If he had lifted his head at all, there’s a good chance he would have lost it.
    Once the paramedic roused Jorge from his little nap, he professed mystification as to how it all happened. “I counted only six beers,” Jorge explained to local newspaper El Norte, although he then allowed “But who knows how many more there might have been. I don’t remember.” Yes, well. After the first six, they do tend to run together.
    Source: Reuters

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Bulldozing Berlin
    O ne of the well-known side effects of alcohol is that funny effect it has on judgment: alcohol impairs it, and then (because alcohol is just that way), it doesn’t do you the courtesy of letting you know that it’s done so. So you feel as if you’re making rational decisions when in fact, you’re acting foolish.
    Let’s hope after an evening of beer-tinged fun you don’t make the same judgments as “Rolf,” a 28-year-old Berliner, who enjoyed too much of something in a Neukoelln district pub and then weaved out into the streets in the early hours of the morning. On his way to wherever he was going, Rolf passed by a bulldozer and found himself uncontrollably attracted to the machine. He climbed up in it, turned it on, and hit the road at about 20 miles per hour.
    The Berlin cops saw the errant bulldozer and its drunken pilot. They ordered Rolf to pull over, but his impaired judgment helped him to ignore those silly little people with their silly little badges. Well, at least until they jumped on the bulldozer, broke the cab’s window, and then spritzed him in the eyes with mace. Impaired judgment or not, chances are Rolf paid attention to blinding pain.
    Rolf was arrested for drunk driving; there was also the small matter of the theft of the bulldozer. Rolf’s next trip will be to the courthouse, where it’s unlikely judgment will be impaired.
    Source: Reuters

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Blasphemy, Australian Style
    W e’ve heard nothing but good things about the Brazilians, a wonderful people who have a whole lotta fun during Carnivale, the Brazilians’ take on Mardi Gras. However, the fine people of Brazil do have their limits, and if you test them, you’ll be sorry.
    An Australian, “Clive” discovered one of those limits during a vacation to Rio de Janerio. He and his mates visited the magnificent 100-foot statue of Jesus atop Corcovado Mountain, one of the city’s top tourist attractions. Clive and a few of his buddies made a journey up the mountain not long after Carnivale had ended.
    Clive was a bit