Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 Read Online Free PDF Page B

lockdown of the reservoir and of the surrounding neighborhood. Four hours later, members of the local bomb squad discovered that what was inside the black bag was definitely biological, and if not lethal, at least stinky: a pair of, shall we say, aggressively used, soiled underwear.
    So how did it get there? Well, we’re glad you asked. It seems that the night before, one “Terrance,” an 18-year-old, partied a waaayyyy too hard—so hard, in fact, that he passed through the many stages of drunkeness. First there’s drunk, then there’s falling-down drunk, which can quickly turn into falling-down-and-puking-your-guts-out drunk. Then it starts to get even uglier when you progress to falling-down-and-puking-your-guts-out-with-no-bladder-control drunk, and finally there’s one messy step beyond that.
    Terrance went the extra mile to take that one step beyond, and as a result experienced a major party foul in his underwear. A sympathetic friend (who hopefully had a cold at thetime) dragged him home, took him out of his violated attire, stuffed the dirty togs into the infamous black bag, and then hurled the bag over the fence onto the reservoir walkway. End of story.
    Until the next morning, when Terrance remembered that the keys to his car were in his pants pocket. Whoops. Off Terrance went to retrieve the keys, only to be shooed away by the Water Works employee, who then found the bag and reported it. The local police and fire departments, the county emergency management team, the bomb squad, and the FBI were not at all thrilled to spend four hours of their life obsessing over what turned out to be a truly craptacular case.
    Confronted by the police, Terrance admitted it was his underwear and eventually pled guilty to “defiant trespass,” a misdemeanor. His punishment? A fine of $500 a month for ten months to pay for the cost of the emergency services. That should cut into his discretionary income for drinking. Terrence’s remaining underwear is no doubt rejoicing at that bit of news.
    Source: Associated Press, Erie Times-News, wjettv.com

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Blessed Aren’t the Dumb
    A sk yourself this question: if you were a man of the cloth, at what point in the following scenario would you plead for leniency from the police because of your special relationship with the Big Guy?
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  1.    Sometime after you crashed your car but before police could evaluate you for intoxication;
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  2.    After the cops began evaluating you for intoxication but before you punched one officer in the head when he wasn’t looking;
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  3.    After slugging one cop but before the other officer dropped you to the ground;
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  4.    After hitting the ground but before the paramedics had to strap you to a gurney because you kept cursing and spitting at the police;
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  5.    It really doesn’t matter because after driving drunk, assaulting an officer, and resisting arrest, you could be Saint Paul and the cops would still be hauling your pious posterior into the pokey.
    In the case of “Rod” it turns out that 5 was the correct answer. Early one June 2004 morning, Las Vegas police found Rod at the wheel of a car that had plowed into another vehicle; once the officers got Rod out of his car and started asking him questions, Rod decided it was in his best interest to punch one of the cops, because nothing says “I am sober” like blind-siding a member of the law enforcement community. Afterthis came the takedown, the cursing, the screaming, and the restraint by the EMTs.
    Somewhere along the way, Rod mentioned his calling. “He was saying, ‘I’m a Catholic priest! I’m a Catholic priest!’” said one officer who was at the scene, and indeed, Rod’s license