Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Read Online Free PDF Page A

them out of plastic.
    In the early 1960s, they were exported to the United States as Dammit Dolls...and quickly became a teenage fad, adapted to everything from key chains to sentimental “message” dolls. But since Dam had no legal protection for the design, dozens of manufacturers jumped on the troll-wagon with knockoffs called Wish Niks, Dam Things, Norfins, etc.
    The original Dammit Dolls are now collectors’ items.
    Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

OL’ BLOOD ’N’ GUTS
    General George Patton was famous for his one-liners as he was for his military victories in World War II.
    “In war, just as in loving, you’ve got to keep on shoving.”
    “To be a successful soldier you must know history....What you must know is how man reacts. Weapons change but man who uses them changes not at all. To win battles you do not beat weapons—you beat the soul of the enemy man.”
    “Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains the victory.”
    “The most vital quality a soldier can possess is self-confidence, utter, complete, and bumptious.”
    “Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.”
    “A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood.”
    “Untutored courage is useless in the face of educated bullets.”
    “Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.”
    “A piece of spaghetti or a military unit can only be led from the front end.”
    “Use steamroller strategy; that is, make up your mind on the course and direction of action, and stick to it. But in tactics, do not steamroller. Attack weakness. Hold them by the nose and kick them in the pants.”
    “There’s one thing you men can say when it’s all over and you’re home once more. You can thank God that twenty years from now when you’re sitting by the fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you what you did in the war, you won’t have to shift him to the other knee, cough and say, ‘I shoveled crap in Louisiana.’”
    Q: How long is the world’s longest human foot? A: 27 inches.

THE MYTH-ADVENTURES OF
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
    Who was Christopher Columbus and what did he really do? Much of what we were taught in school is untrue, according to The Myth-Adventures of Christopher Columbus, by Jack Mingo. Here are some examples.
    T HE MYTH: Columbus was born in Genoa, Italy.
    BACKGROUND: The only documentary proof is a will written in 1498, purportedly by Columbus, that begins with “I, being born in Genoa...”
    THE TRUTH: According to his son Fernando, Columbus never revealed where he was born; he preferred to call himself “a man of the sea.” And historians doubt whether the 1498 will is genuine. Meanwhile, dozens of places claim to be Columbus’s birthplace, including:
    • Corsica. The town of Calvi claims both his birth and his remains; Columbus has a tombstone there.
    • France. In 1687, French lawyer Jean Colomb claimed Chris was his ancestor.
    • England. A book published in 1682 in London states that Columbus was “born in England, but lived in Genoa.”
    • Spain, Armenia, Poland, and even Norway. Norwegians say his real name was Christopher Bonde.
    THE MYTH: Christopher Columbus was named...Christopher Columbus.
    BACKGROUND: This name first appeared in 1553, long after his death, in a book by Petrus Martyr.
    THE TRUTH: He was never called Columbus in his lifetime. In fact, when Columbus was alive he was known by at least five other names:
    • Cristoforo Colombo. Most historians believe he was born Cristoforo Colombo (although one Genoese source referred to him as Christofferus de Columbo).
    • Christovam Colom. When he settled in Portugal and became a successful merchant-seaman, he was known as Christobal (or Christovam) Colom (or Colombo).
    Anglophiles’ delight: About 1 in 8 Americans are of English descent.
    • Cristobal Colon. He adopted this name