Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Read Online Free PDF

after he moved to Spain (also, occasionally, Christoual or Colamo). This was his name during his voyages and what he’s still called in Spanish countries.
    • Christophorus Colonus. This is the name preferred by his son Fernando, who wrote a biography of his dad. Other Latin forms of the name: Christoforus Colom, Cristoferi Colom.
    • Xpoual de Colon. This is what he was called in his agreement with the King and Queen of Spain before his first voyage across the Atlantic After 1493, he signed his name Xpo FERENS, using only his first name, in the fashion of royalty. Later he began to sign his name like this:
    .s.
    .S.A.S.
    X MY
    :Xpo FERENS/
    Nobody in the past 500 years has been able to explain what this signature means.
    THE MYTH: Columbus’s boats were officially named the Nina , the Pinta , and the Santa Maria .
    BACKGROUND: Blame historians for spreading the story. For example, in Three Ships at Dawn , Augustus Heavy wrote: “ Pinta , meaning ‘Lovely Lady,’ was called that because she floated so gracefully; Nina , meaning ‘Baby,’ was named that because it was so small; and the devoutly religious sailors called the last ship the Santa Maria in honor of Saint Mary.”
    THE TRUTH: In Columbus’s time, if a ship had any kind of name at all, it was unofficial—usually something that the crew came up with. This was true of Columbus’s ships as well:
    • The Pinta might have been called that in honor of the Pinto family in Palos, where the ships were readied for the voyage. But a more likely explanation: “Pinta” also meant “Painted Lady”—a prostitute.
    • The Nina , smallest of the three ships, had previously been known as the Santa Clara. “Nina” means “Little Girl”—sailor slang for a woman who’s easy with sexual favors.
    • And the Santa Maria ? Many of the crew knew it under its longtime name of La Gallega (“Lady from Galicia”), so-called because it was built in that region of Spain. But it had picked up a newer nickname, Marigalante —“Dirty Mary.” The devout Columbus objected to the name. He demanded that the crew call the boat Santa Maria in honor of Jesus’ mother.
    Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
    THE MYTH: Queen Isabella of Spain believed so firmly in Columbus’s project that she pawned her jewels to finance it.
    BACKGROUND: Two of Columbus’s biographers—his son Fernando and Bartolome dé Las Casas—told this tale decades after his death.
    THE TRUTH: Isabella didn’t pawn a single pearl. The queen had a special fondness for Columbus: they were both in their mid-30s, fervently religious, enthusiastic about reforming the world, and may both have had fair complexions and red hair. Queen Isabella would listen to Columbus for hours as he laid out his maps of the world and described his plans for carrying Christianity across the ocean. Despite that, he couldn’t get her to finance his plans, because the crown’s funds were tied up in a holy war against the Islamic Moors in southern Spain.
    Though Isabella had a great many virtues, religious tolerance wasn’t one of them. She went to war with the Muslims and ordered all Jews expelled from Spain. Christians found to be “insincere” were burned alive at the stake while choir boys sang to protect the queen’s ears from their screams.
    With the fall of Granada, the last Islam stronghold, in January 1492, the queen was full of goodwill and generosity. Columbus saw his chance to plead his case again and received a more benevolent hearing this time. Isabella was now soundly behind his vision of taking Christianity across the waters to save thousands more souls.
    But she didn’t need to pawn her jewels. As monarch of Castile, she had plenty of her own resources. She used funds from her government coffers, fattened by confiscating property from Jews, Muslims, and “infidels.” She even figured out a way to cut expenses. Shippers in the harbor town of Palos, Spain, had been caught smuggling African goods without