Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less
adult lives with your detailed record of the adorable things they said as kids.
Work: Ever get jealous of the people who run this site? They get paid to sit around reading Twitter. If you just make sure your boss doesn’t see your screen, so can you.
Drinking: It’s not alcoholism if you do it alone but laugh about it with your Internet friends.
Strangers: Be polite as you want to weird, annoying, or entertaining strangers. They don’t have to know they’re the butt of your Twitter joke.
Politics: Discuss your most deeply held opinions in the perfect format for spirited conversation: a service that only gives you 140 characters to make your point. It’s like holding the presidentia debates via bumper sticker.
    I propose every American get one free killing. We’d all be nicer to each other because you’d never know if someone had used theirs up.
    I’m not exactly one to bring the funk, but perhaps I shall rent the funk for the day.
    OK. If you were my ambition and career goals, where would you be hiding?
    James Brown didn’t write lyrics. He wrote commands and instructions.
    My haircut went from “cool” to “Christian golfer” a lot faster this time.
    I took the “Which meme are you?” quiz and the result is: The One Where You Photoshop Something or Whatever.
    There is no ill that great sex can’t cure. Except nymphomania. Then I guess you’re fucked.
    When your feelings are best described by a Jewel song, it’s probably time to hide the cutlery.
    Dear incredibly hot gym instructor: Thanks for wearing a Brokeback Mountain T today so I can finally stop shamelessly flirting with no ROI.
    Ratio of boys to girls at the Disneyland princess coronation—1:300. That’s my Quinn.
    My daughter is eating vegetarian chicken nuggets. I’ll bet chickens gathered outside the lab that developed that food.
“How’s it coming?”
    Wearing new navy-and-white-striped sweater, feeling like some kind of nautical bumblebee.
    Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from witchcraft and should be burnt.
    I got an extra two years just because I laughed every time the judge said penal.
    Legless man screaming: “I gave half my body in ’Nam & nobody will even give me a dollar.” Gave him leftover Vietnamese food. Kind or cruel?
    Kool-Aid Man probably felt like a total prick when he busted through that hut wall in Jonestown.
    We’ve now been in our house for a week and love it. I’m going to cherish every moment between now and foreclosure.
    The baby just saw me naked. Now she knows where she got her thighs.
    In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There’s *weather* in here.
    Acupuncture works. How many sick porcupines have you seen?
    We drink coffee here like it’s going out of style. When it does go out of style, I guess we’ll drink it ironically.
    I was really impressed by Bush’s farewell speech. He should have delivered that YEARS ago.
    Jim pointed to my 5-month-old nephew and sassily promised, “With three minutes of concerted effort, we could have one of those too.”
    When I tell people that I am a cat person, I feel like a little part of them is let down that I am not a cat-human hybrid.
    Even Hemingway was a Hemingway impersonator.
    Why did Donkey Kong even bother throwing barrels? Why not let Mario get up to his level and then just beat the shit out of him?
    I cannot WAIT until the final episode of “ER,” when the entire city develops rabies, a T. rex invades, and Clooney blows up the hospital.
    Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.
    I just wish there was a way to *monitor* Christian
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