Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less Read Online Free PDF Page A

adult lives with your detailed record of the adorable things they said as kids.
Work: Ever get jealous of the people who run this site? They get paid to sit around reading Twitter. If you just make sure your boss doesn’t see your screen, so can you.
Drinking: It’s not alcoholism if you do it alone but laugh about it with your Internet friends.
Strangers: Be polite as you want to weird, annoying, or entertaining strangers. They don’t have to know they’re the butt of your Twitter joke.
Politics: Discuss your most deeply held opinions in the perfect format for spirited conversation: a service that only gives you 140 characters to make your point. It’s like holding the presidentia debates via bumper sticker.
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    I propose every American get one free killing. We’d all be nicer to each other because you’d never know if someone had used theirs up.
    smartgoat
    I’m not exactly one to bring the funk, but perhaps I shall rent the funk for the day.
    jackholt
    OK. If you were my ambition and career goals, where would you be hiding?
    glessner
    James Brown didn’t write lyrics. He wrote commands and instructions.
    riebschlager
    My haircut went from “cool” to “Christian golfer” a lot faster this time.
    scottsimpson
    I took the “Which meme are you?” quiz and the result is: The One Where You Photoshop Something or Whatever.
    jasonpermenter
    There is no ill that great sex can’t cure. Except nymphomania. Then I guess you’re fucked.
    mayjah
    When your feelings are best described by a Jewel song, it’s probably time to hide the cutlery.
    srslainey
    Dear incredibly hot gym instructor: Thanks for wearing a Brokeback Mountain T today so I can finally stop shamelessly flirting with no ROI.
    echuckles
    Ratio of boys to girls at the Disneyland princess coronation—1:300. That’s my Quinn.
    tempo
     
     
    My daughter is eating vegetarian chicken nuggets. I’ll bet chickens gathered outside the lab that developed that food.
“How’s it coming?”
    paulapoundstone
     
     
    Wearing new navy-and-white-striped sweater, feeling like some kind of nautical bumblebee.
    sh
    Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from witchcraft and should be burnt.
    yoz
    I got an extra two years just because I laughed every time the judge said penal.
    Juniorwad
    Legless man screaming: “I gave half my body in ’Nam & nobody will even give me a dollar.” Gave him leftover Vietnamese food. Kind or cruel?
    jonathangrubb
    Kool-Aid Man probably felt like a total prick when he busted through that hut wall in Jonestown.
    TBMimsTheThird
    We’ve now been in our house for a week and love it. I’m going to cherish every moment between now and foreclosure.
    essdogg
    The baby just saw me naked. Now she knows where she got her thighs.
    AuntMarvel
    In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There’s *weather* in here.
    cleversimon
    Acupuncture works. How many sick porcupines have you seen?
    thedolittlevet
    We drink coffee here like it’s going out of style. When it does go out of style, I guess we’ll drink it ironically.
    johntunger
    I was really impressed by Bush’s farewell speech. He should have delivered that YEARS ago.
    cockerham
    Jim pointed to my 5-month-old nephew and sassily promised, “With three minutes of concerted effort, we could have one of those too.”
    CcSteff
    When I tell people that I am a cat person, I feel like a little part of them is let down that I am not a cat-human hybrid.
    LILWAYNESWORLD
    Even Hemingway was a Hemingway impersonator.
    mollycrabapple
    Why did Donkey Kong even bother throwing barrels? Why not let Mario get up to his level and then just beat the shit out of him?
    samhey
    I cannot WAIT until the final episode of “ER,” when the entire city develops rabies, a T. rex invades, and Clooney blows up the hospital.
    emzbulletproof
    Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.
    kariedwards
    I just wish there was a way to *monitor* Christian