Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less Read Online Free PDF Page B

karma.
    summerjane
    It seems that, no matter how ugly a place may be, it will have “Keep XYZ Beautiful” signs. New Jersey has them. Mordor probably does, too.
    jonathaneunice
    They said I was just like a Republican Bill Clinton. Close, but no cigar.
    LameBush
    I need a woman that “gets” me. Or at least doesn’t think there’s something wrong with me just because I organize my Beanie Babies by phylum.
    Fakeweiler
    I don’t care what my psychiatrist says. I’m glad I’m a Jedi.
    ttseco
    When Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson bump uglies it must look like two bicycles trying to braid each other’s streamers.
    AinsleyofAttack
    Each time I stay at a hotel, they’ve found another little pillow to add to the pile at the head of the bed. It’s like a pillow arms race.
    zeldman
    Overheard: If you torture data long enough, you can get it to confess to anything.
    adactio
    I get a disproportionate sense of accomplishment when I clean a speck off the mirror, because it’s a two-for-one.
    eyelemon
    Wondering if hipsterism is catching, like the swine flu. In Williamsburg this weekend & suddenly feel like wearing skinny jeans & knit cap.
    EOverbey
    I’m not so sure a good man is that hard to find, but there’s no question that a hard man is good to find.
    ctually
    I’ve become so cynical about advertising that, now that milk is on TV, I wonder if it really is good for you.
    heathr
    All this rain, and no one to look out my mansion window and sing a Top 20 (on the urban charts) love song about.
    Slapclap
     
     
    ONCE AGAIN IT OCCURS TO ME THAT YOU COULD KIDNAP ANYONE BY STANDING CONFIDENTLY IN AN AIRPORT WITH A CARP WITH THEIR NAME ON IT.
    NEILHIMSELF
     
     
    All of my creativity and motivation seems to have seeped out into the carpet, and for once in their lives, someone vacuumed it.
     
    alinasmith
    After reading about the pet chimp attack, I killed our gecko just as a precaution.
     
    buzzblog
    Oh my god. I am in the mentally ill person line at the grocery store.
     
    molls
    The baby has gotten into the habit of falling asleep while I drive us home. So at least we have that in common.
     
    toldorknown
    I’m pretty sure, almost positive, that it doesn’t go, “For beautiful, oh, spacious thighs.”
     
    Tinu
     
     
    ----
    Five Rules of Twitter Wit
Be brief. You’re not writing a novel. If you are writing a novel, my guess is you should stop, burn it, and apologize.
Don’t get too clever. You’ll spend the whole day explaining your joke to baffled followers.
Write a draft and save it. The better version will occur to you in an hour.
Stretch yourself. Take a break from puns for a bon mot. Stop the insult jokes and write a limerick.
Relax. The next tweet will be funnier.
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    In addition to charging me an extra $50 to sit next to my wife, US Airways will charge $55 for our 3 bags. The CEO must have a heroin habit.
     
    mat
    NEW COMMANDMENT: THOU SHALT NOT
     
    thelordyourgod
    Some people say, “Drinking after you’ve just woken is inappropriate,” and to them I say, “What if you wake up at a party?”
     
    jakec
    Just saw a white guy dancing and thought, “What a dork.” Then realized it was a black guy and thought, “Y’know, he’s actually pretty good.”
     
    ScottAukerman
    Honestly, calling your paper toilet seat cover brand “Life Guard” seems a little melodramatic.
     
    brittany
    I messed up and engineered an invisible Sea-Monkey. Now I can’t remember which glass is ok to drink from.
     
    crispycracka
    Open the pod bay door, asshole.
     
    Frageelay
    Just saw a bumper sticker that read, “Torture Is a Moral Issue.” Whoa, never thought of it that way.
     
    michael
    Today I’m 31. That’s like 80 in Facebook years.
     
    melissagira
    I just sneezed into a box of tissues, and now I’m not really sure what to do.
     
    Rachelskirts
    This cover band is playing a song where they often sing, “YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE,” but at no time mention getting that checked out.
     
    kimproper
    It’s so