Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less Read Online Free PDF

Science.
    aedison
    Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine, I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma dusted in florescent-orange fake cheese powder.
    jaimealyse
    How awkward will this be on a scale of one to threeway?
    jacobbijani
     
     
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    My god, if squirrels spent half as much time trying to cure cancer as they do trying to figure out bird feeders…
    susanorlean
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    Does Jack Kevorkian deliver?
    alegna24
    Took Myers-Briggs for first time in 5 years. Went from INTJ to ENTJ. Basically I’m still an overthinking douche, but I talk to people now.
    homerdash
    Just explained Twitter to my friend Bill. I don’t think I did it right, as he’s excited to sign up.
    ryanmumm
    Anthropologie: The official wardrobe of Audrey Hepburn fanfic writers everwhere.
    SeoulBrother
    I respect your right to express your opinion as long as you respect my right to slowly lose interest in whatever it is you’re talking about.
    apelad
    Ever since my brother pointed out its double meaning, the children’s store downstairs, “Hey, Diddle Diddle,” has made me uneasy.
    camh
    Harry Potter and the Fact That 3 Students Always Have to Save the School Is a Scathing Indictment of the Tenure System.
    Moltz
    You answer the phone, sure it’s your significant other. It’s a salesman. The French call that split second of intimacy “the little rape.”
    ckwinny
    “What’s your favorite mid-range dessert wine to pair with fruit?” Boy, these password questions are getting tricky.
    jdickerson
    The worst thing about being an atheist is that you’ll never get to say, “I told you so.”
    mandyjwatson
    BILLY MAYS IS LIKE CAPS LOCK IN REAL LIFE.
    Rayke
    As if there weren’t enough horrors in Nazi Germany, they were but a keystroke away from exposure to Hogan’s Herpes.
    rommiej
    I spend the day leaving scraps of paper with celebrities’ names and long numbers near different banks around the city, and I feel at peace.
    midnightstories
    The greatest gift you can give a child is time. Just kidding, it’s probably some Pokémon shit.
    johnmoe
    Just bought three knives and a coffee grinder. I can’t wait to see what movies Amazon recommends to me next.
    itsbynnereel
    Guy in fatigues in the bar looking for his buddies. Can’t find ’em BECAUSE THEY’RE IN CAMO TOO.
    jimray
    To those I’ve promised postcards: They are coming! I will not let you down! Well, I mean, I probably will, but in different ways.
    zolora
    Congratulations! You’ve done it! I am aware of breast cancer!
    youngamerican
    Twittering “Skittles” will get you on the Skittles.com homepage. Isn’t that the most underage Latino abortion thing you’ve ever heard?
    samreich
    “Yo, bro, explaining Burning Man is like trying to explain color to someone who’s blind.” And consequently wishes they were also deaf.
    AinsleyofAttack
    Got a great massage today. It’s like the masseuse knew instinctively that I hold all of my tension in my penis.
    DougBenson
    I’m at the Bill Murray-decides-to-join-the-army point in my life.
    BrilliantOrange
    I like Brazilian food. You almost never find hair in it.
    MODAT
    Instead of writing my name on my milk jug in the office fridge, I’m going to start taping on a Polaroid of myself drinking straight from it.
    Remiel
    Just try and make a fist while you’re holding a mango. Can’t do it. You want world peace, plant mango trees.
    cluckcluckers
     
     
    If someone spits gum on the sidewalk, we should be able to take their DNA from it, clone them, and then bet the shit out of their clone.
    paulfeig
     
     
    If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes, maybe this paper will finish itself.
    katefeetie
    A Tulsa, OK, boy made a suicide pact with a well-known radio host, a pact that only one would keep. And now you know the rest of the story.
    strutting
    Somehow, I doubt the lady yelling, “GIVE ME MY FREE LATTE, CAUSE KARMA WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON’T, B*TCH,” really gets the concept of