Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Read Online Free PDF Page A

Ma Jones that he's going into town today to apply for Social Security. Ma says, “But Pa, you don't have a birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?”
    “Now don't you worry, Ma,” say Pa, and leaves for town. Sure enough he's back in a few hours and reports that he'll be getting the first check in just three weeks.
    “So how'd ya prove your age?” asks Ma.
    “Easy,” says Pa, smiling. “I just unbuttoned by shirt and showed ‘em all the gray hairs on my chest.”
    “Well, while you were at it,” scolds Ma, “why didn't you drop your pants and apply for disability?”
    *
    What do you do in case of fallout?
    Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
    *
    One spring day two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the greenery and bit him on his prick. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he rushed into town for a doctor.
    “There's only one way to save your friend's life,” said the doctor gravely. “If you cut an ‘X’ over the bite and then suck all the poison out, hell probably be okay, but otherwise there's not much hope.”
    Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and cried out, “Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?”
    “George, old friend,” said Fred sadly, “he said you're gonna die.”
    *
    What do you get when you cross a stud with a debtor?
    Someone always into you for at least ten inches.
    *
    An eighty-year-old man drops by the local sperm bank and offers to make a donation. The pleasant orderly tries politely to explain how the sperm bank works, suggesting that perhaps he isn't up to making a deposit. But there's no dissuading the old codger, and finally they give up and show him to a cubicle. After two hours the old man has not emerged, so a nurse is sent in to check on him.
    Seeing her, the old man exclaims petulantly, “I tried it with my right hand. Then I tried it with my left hand. I even hit it up against the toilet a few times, but I still can't get the top off this little bottle!”
    *
    What can Lifesavers do that a man can't?
    Come in five different flavors.
    *
    Graffiti: “I'm 10” long and 3” wide. Interested?”
    “Fascinated. How big is your dick?”
    *
    A guy wandered into the women's rest room and casually unzipped his fly.
    “Sir,” said a woman sternly, “this is for ladies.”
    “Yeah?” he said. “So's this!”
    *
    This man had such bad luck that when he picked up his shirt out of the drawer, all the buttons fell off. Then when he picked up his attaché case, the handle fell off. And for three days, he was afraid to go to the bathroom.
    *
    After a pleasant date the guy parked his car two hundred yards from the girl's apartment, pulled out his cock, and placed her left hand on it. She slapped him with her right hand, got out of the car, walked the two hundred yards home, turned around, and screamed, “I got two words for you: Drop dead!”
    “And I got two words for you,” he screamed back. “LET GO!”
    *
    What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
    *
    At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees, but a few minutes later says indignantly, “Doctor, that's not my rectum!”
    “Madam,” says the doctor, “that's not my thermometer.”
    Just then the woman's husband, who's come to pick her up, comes into the room. “Just what the hell is going on here?” he demands.
    “I'm taking your wife's temperature,” the doctor coolly explains.
    “Okay, doctor,” says the husband, “but that thing better have numbers on it.”
    *
    There was a woman who couldn't get enough, so she put an ad in the paper. The very next afternoon a man came to her front door, and she asked to see his dick.