Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Read Online Free PDF

“I'm sorry, young man,” she explained, “but it must be ten feet long. Come back in a week.”
    A week passed and the doorbell rang again. “Well,” said the woman, “it's two feet long. Come back in a week and we'll see what we can do.”
    Another week went by and the man had to ring the doorbell with his dick wrapped around his neck. “Not bad,” said the woman, “but you've still got a foot to go.”
    “Wait a minute,” said the man. “I brought this crank with me.” He finally stretched it out to a full ten feet, and the woman said, “All right, let's go to the bedroom.”
    The woman undressed and the man got a hard-on and strangled himself.
    *
    Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ‘cause my pee barely trickles out.”
    “Heck, that's nothing,” said the eighty-year-old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.”
    The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven.”
    *
    A young playboy steps into a bar looking for some action. He's delighted to see a gorgeous blonde walk in, but she goes right past him, heads for a table in the back, and cozies up to an old, dirty derelict nursing a whisky. Five minutes later a lovely brunette comes into the bar, but she too makes a beeline for the back table and sits on the other side of the old alcoholic.
    Quite at a loss, the young stud leans over and asks the bartender if he knows what's going on.
    “I dunno,” says the bartender. “He comes in every day, orders a whisky, sits in the back, and licks his eyebrows.”
    *
    Why did God create men?
    Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.
    *
    A woman was throwing a costume party where everyone had to dress up as an emotion in order to be admitted. She was at the door when the first guest arrived, dressed in blue. “Aha,” she said. “I see you must be the blues.” The guest nodded and went inside. The next guest was in green, and she said, “I bet you're green with envy.” The guest nodded and went inside. The next guest showed up completely naked but had a bowl of custard strapped around his waist and his penis was stuck in the middle of it. The hostess couldn't figure out what he was, so she inquired. The guest replied, “I'm fucking disgusted.”
    *
    What's this? (Open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue.)
    Blow-jobber's cramp.
    *
    A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mom asking him for his picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her one from the waist up.
    His mom wrote back after receiving the photo and said, “Can your grandma have one too?” The man thought, Since Grandma can't see well, I'll give her the bottom half. So he sent it.
    After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, “Nice picture, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long.”
    *
    A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and asked the grocer for a can of cat food. The grocer knew the woman and knew that she didn't have a cat. So he asked why she was buying the cat food. The woman replied, “It's for my husband's lunch.” The grocer was shocked and said, “You can't feed cat food to your husband! It will kill him.”
    “I've been giving it to him for a week now, and he really likes it!” she replied.
    And so each day, the woman would come in and buy a can of cat food for her husband's lunch. One day the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary column of the local paper and noticed that the woman's husband had passed away. When she came into the store a few days later, he said to her, “I'm sorry