The Weight of Water Read Online Free PDF

stop
    More than I want him
    To kiss me.

When Boys Fight
     
    A drove of spectators circles them
    Baying for bruises and blood
    And chanting
    Like football fans
    Or football hooligans –
    Fight. Fight. Fight.
    And no one stops this easy entertainment –
    They just sell more tickets.
     
    When two boys fight they are like
    Warring walruses:
               They plough into each other
                     Thumping and cracking,
               Faces tight, fists curled,
    And they do not stop
    Until there is a winner,
    Until there is no more need to fight.
     
    Sometimes it cannot end this way.
    If a teacher shows up it ends when they are
               Forced
                             apart
    And taken, in all their bloody glory,
    To the headteacher
    Where they are spoken to
    About fighting,
    About using their fists
    To settle squabbles.
     
    And either way, it seems a better fix
    Than whispers and giggles.
     
    So maybe what I should do is
               Hit Clair –
               Knock her down
    And we could brawl in the playground too,
    With everyone watching.
     
    Then people would know
    I’d been in a battle.

Late Nights
     
    There is a flu epidemic –
    Old people are sick with feverish coughing,
    So Mama works late; she helps nurses
    Change beds, mop vomit,
    Deliver meals around the wards.
     
    For a few glorious days
    We don’t search the streets,
    And I am grateful.
     
    Mama asks Kanoro to watch me.
     
    We sit on the floor in his room
    Eating meat rolled in flat bread,
    Guzzling tall glasses of cold milk.
     
    Kanoro remembers stories
    Of elephants and tribal chiefs.
    They are myths and histories
    Meant to entertain,
    They are not his own truths,
               not for me.
     
    Yet I tell him about William.
    I tell him all about William and the
    Tumblings in my tummy,
    And he nods with a knowing
    That makes me blush.
     
    And then I speak about Tata,
    Destroy the sugary fiction
    Mama has tried to turn into truth.
    I tell him,
    ‘In Poland there is a saying:
              Running away makes you guilty.
    I am afraid of what we will find,
    Kanoro, if we ever find Tata.’
     
    And he says,
    ‘I told Ola, I told your mother,
              Do not follow a person
              Who is running away,
    But she will not listen.
    She does not understand.
    She loves your Tata,
               I think.’
     
    Kanoro shakes his head
    And offers me more peppery lamb
    Which I take and eat,
    Chewing on the gristle
    And swallowing it.

Life Saver
     
    We are in an empty swimming pool.
     
    The water is warm and for some reason
    There is sun on my face.
     
    I am in the deep end wearing arm bands
    To stop me going under.
     
    William is there too.
    But he isn’t in the pool.
    He’s in the lifeguard’s chair
    Watching as I struggle to stay afloat.
     
    Finally he jumps into the pool
    Straight from the chair.
     
    I’m kicking, sinking, but
    He drags me to the side,
    Up on to the pool’s edge
    And gives me mouth to mouth.
     
    His lips and mine are wet
    As they press together and
    His breath fills me up.
    I don’t need resuscitation
    But he has his hands on my chest
    Between my breasts,
    And he’s pushing and pushing
    Trying to jump-start my heart.
     
    When I awake I am gasping.
    Then I roll over and see Mama watching.
    She’s bleary-eyed and half asleep
    But even so, I do not want to
    Have dreams like this
    Lying next to my mother.

Higher
     
    We are in the park
    On the swings
     
    But I don’t feel like a little kid
    Because we are not swinging,
    Just swaying.
     
    William takes out his cigarettes
    And offers me one.
     
    This time I shake my head – no –
    And he doesn’t care.
    He puts the cigarettes back into the recess
    Of his blazer
    And sways –
    Not forward and back
    But side to side
    On the swing
     
    So as he comes close
    I can smell him,
     
    I can smell his chewing gum.
    Then he gets off his swing and starts to push me
    So I am swinging
    Higher and