Constant Fear Read Online Free PDF Page A

details.
    “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
    Jake shrugged. “Because it’s embarrassing,” he said. “Because I was going to be a superstar major-league pitcher and I tossed it away so I could get drunk at a teammate’s bachelor party. Not something I’m proud of. I keep that part of my life just where it belongs, in the past. I’m different now.”
    Ellie seemed to accept his explanation. “What does that have to do with high school?” she asked.
    “I was a kid blessed with a golden arm,” Jake said. “My high-school coaches ignored my grades because of my talent. I went to a two-year college, but didn’t graduate because I was just there to showcase my skills to the big-league scouts. The Red Sox eventually took me and I did my time in the minors, but I was on my way to ‘The Show.’ That was given, until I turned my elbow bones into confetti.
    “Guess I could blame my buddies for not taking my keys that night, or the coaches, who made me think I was above it all, the golden boy with a golden arm—but in the end, who did I have to blame but myself?”
    “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” Ellie said. The coldness Jake had felt was all but gone from her eyes, replaced by a look of deep sympathy and genuine concern.
    “My dad was a soft-spoken guy,” Jake said. “Made a nice career for himself in the insurance industry. He tried to warn me about the dangers of believing the hype, but at that time I wasn’t into hearing anything negative. I was twenty-two, had a lucrative contract with a big-league ball club, a step away from pitching in the majors, married to my high-school sweetheart, and now a father to a precocious three-year-old boy. I didn’t think anything could touch me.”
    “The stories I read online weren’t kind,” Ellie said.
    Jake laughed at the understatement. “Guess you uncovered old headlines from the New York Post. ”
    “The Web is like faraway stars. It illuminates the past.”
    Jake smiled, thinking of those fall nights when he and Ellie had huddled on a blanket on her front lawn as new lovers, gazing up at the night sky.
    “Let me see if I can remember what the Post had to say.” Jake ruminated. “ ‘You’re Out,’ right? They ran that headline above a picture of my crushed BMW. And the Daily News, I think they wrote, ‘Booze Ball,’ but now that I think about it, maybe I have those two mixed up.”
    “The Globe was a lot nicer,” Ellie said.
    “Yeah, well, that’s because the only person who got hurt in the accident was me.”
    “What happened after?” Ellie asked.
    The more Jake revealed, the closer he felt to Ellie. For this reason, Jake was glad Ellie had forced the conversation, but parts of his life remained off-limits.
    “After that, I sank into a depression,” Jake said. “I missed everything about the game. The teammates, the camaraderie, the competition, everything—I loved it all. Then, about six months later, things got worse.”
    “Andy,” Ellie said as if reading his thoughts.
    “All the classic signs were there. His weight loss was especially alarming for a kid that skinny. Laura would say, ‘How does that boy put away so much food, but we can’t keep a pound on him?’ Then one afternoon I put Andy in front of the TV and went to go make lunch. When I got back, he was conscious, but so lethargic. I panicked and rushed him to the hospital, where we got the diagnosis.”
    “That’s a lot to handle in a short amount of time,” Ellie said.
    Kibo picked his head up and gazed at Jake with watery black eyes, as if to say he concurred. Ellie gave all three dogs some attention.
    “There was some money set aside from baseball to help pay for Andy’s care, but not a lot. Before the accident, Laura figured we were on easy street, and she spent money like that was our permanent address. But a hefty signing bonus only goes so far. I saw it all adding up, and I didn’t do a thing about it. I let Laura handle the finances so I could