The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Read Online Free PDF Page A

down beside Arthur.
    “We’ve got to talk,” he said urgently.
    “Fine,” said Arthur, “talk.”
    “And drink,” said Ford. “It’s vitally important that we talk and drink. Now. We’ll go to the pub in the village.”
    He looked into the sky again, nervous, expectant.
    “Look, don’t you understand?” shouted Arthur. He pointed at Prosser.
    “That man wants to knock my house down!”
    Ford glanced at him, puzzled.
    “Well, he can do it while you’re away, can’t he?” he asked.
    “But I don’t want him to!”
    “Ah.”
    “Look, what’s the matter with you, Ford?” said Arthur.
    “Nothing. Nothing’s the matter. Listen to me—I’ve got to tell you the most important thing you’ve ever heard. I’ve got to tell you now, and I’ve got to tell you in the saloon bar of the Horse and Groom.”
    “But why?”
    “Because you’re going to need a very stiff drink.”
    Ford stared at Arthur, and Arthur was astonished to find his will beginning to weaken. He didn’t realize that this was because of an old drinking game that Ford learned to play in the hyperspace ports that served the madranite mining belts in the star system of Orion Beta.
    The game was not unlike the Earth game called Indian wrestling, and was played like this:
    Two contestants would sit either side of a table, with a glass in front of each of them.
    Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit (as immortalized in that ancient Orion mining song, “Oh, don’t give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit/No, don’t you give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit/For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die/Won’t you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit”).
    Each of the two contestants would then concentrate their will on the bottle and attempt to tip it and pour spirit into the glass of his opponent, who would then have to drink it.
    The bottle would then be refilled. The game would be played again. And again.
    Once you started to lose you would probably keep losing, because one of the effects of Janx Spirit is to depress telepsychic power.
    As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was usually obscenely biological.
    Ford Prefect usually played to lose.
    Ford stared at Arthur, who began to think that perhaps he did want to go to the Horse and Groom after all.
    “But what about my house …?” he asked plaintively.
    Ford looked across to Mr. Prosser, and suddenly a wicked thought struck him.
    “He wants to knock your house down?”
    “Yes, he wants to build …”
    “And he can’t because you’re lying in front of his bulldozer?”
    “Yes, and …”
    “I’m sure we can come to some arrangement,” said Ford. “Excuse me!” he shouted.
    Mr. Prosser (who was arguing with a spokesman for the bulldozer drivers about whether or not Arthur Dent constituted a mental health hazard, and how much they should get paid if he did) looked around. He was surprised and slightly alarmed to see that Arthur had company.
    “Yes? Hello?” he called. “Has Mr. Dent come to his senses yet?”
    “Can we for the moment,” called Ford, “assume that he hasn’t?”
    “Well?” sighed Mr. Prosser.
    “And can we also assume,” said Ford, “that he’s going to be staying here all day?”
    “So?”
    “So all your men are going to be standing around all day doing nothing?”
    “Could be, could be …”
    “Well, if you’re resigned to doing that anyway, you don’t acually need him to lie here all the time do you?”
    “What?”
    “You don’t,” said Ford patiently, “actually need him here.”
    Mr. Prosser thought about this.
    “Well, no, not as such …” he said, “not exactly
need …”
    Prosser was worried. He thought that one of them wasn’t making a lot of sense.
    Ford said, “So if you would just like to take it as read that he’s actuallyhere, then he and I could slip off down to the pub for half an hour.