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studio and stood
by my side.
    "That's
great!" he beamed, gazing at the canvas. "Old man Giles will be
delighted! He just rang, by the way."
    "I didn't hear
the phone." Tony looked worried. A bearer of bad news.
    "He called me
on my mobile. Helen, I'm afraid I'm off to Paris again."
    "But you've
only just come back!" I returned.
    "Yes, I know.
I... I'm leaving first thing in the morning."
    "I suppose a
week isn't long," I sighed. A week without sperm.
    "I'm going for
a month."
    My stomach
sank. A month without Tony - a month without sperm! I'd never
survive! I knew that I should tell him, but how could I bring
myself to admit that I was addicted to the stuff? I couldn't tell
him. I'd masturbate him before he left the following morning, suck
him to orgasm and have a glass handy to store the drug. Drug? That
was the cold reality of my predicament - to me, sperm was a drug.
Drug addiction. Sperm-abuse.
    I did
masturbate Tony before he left the next morning. I sucked him to
orgasm and discreetly dribbled his sperm into a glass as he lay
panting after his climax. Hiding the glass of precious white liquid
beneath the bed, I sighed. One shot, one fix - but what would I do
when it had gone? A week had been bad enough; I'd never last for a
month without sperm!
    Tony left in
the taxi, an all too familiar event that I was coming to despise.
But he was doing well, in line for promotion which would almost
double his salary. I couldn't destroy his chances, his career! I'd
just have to muddle through as best I could. Maybe the sperm would
last? If I only needed a drop to calm me, maybe it would last. It
had to!
    After a few
days, the familiar sensations of panic gripped me, like a monster,
welling up from the deep, grabbing me and pulling me under. Taking
the glass from the fridge, I dipped my finger into the cold liquid
and placed a drop on the tip of my tongue. To my dismay, I had to
swallow the lot to calm myself. That was that, my supply gone in
one gulp!
    The calming
effect only lasted for two days. My palms wet, my chest tight, my
craving was becoming worse and I didn't know what to do. There was
no point in ringing Doctor Harvey; he couldn't supply me with
sperm. But I had to do something! Deciding to take a walk, I left
the house and wandered down the lane.
    The hot summer
sun on my back, the birds singing, I sat on the common watching
people walking their dogs and pushing prams. People doing nothing,
going nowhere. Where was anyone going? Where was I going? Down
hill, fast! My work suffering, my head spinning, my craving worse
than ever, I clasped my hands together to stop them trembling,
wondering again at my incredible addiction. Why not nicotine or
alcohol? Why sperm, the only thing I couldn't get?
    Sitting on the
soft grass, my vision beginning to blur, I was desperate for a fix.
A druggy, a junkie. The thought horrified me. Watching a lad of
around eighteen walking towards me, I came to a crazy,
panic-inspired decision. I'd seduce him, suck his penis into my
thirsty mouth and swallow his sperm. What the hell was I thinking
of? I suddenly wondered, eyeing his bulging trousers as he
approached. Adultery? God, no!
    But no one
would ever know, I told myself as my state of panic rose to
frightening heights. Tony would never discover the awful truth, it
would be my secret - kept in a little box somewhere deep in the
dark depths of my subconscious. Secrets weigh heavy on the
mind.
    "Hi!" I
called, wishing I hadn't as the young man walked past me.
    "Oh, hi," he
smiled, stopping and turning to face me. He was probably trying to
place me, wondering where he knew me from.
    "Why don't you
join me?" I asked, moving behind some bushes and settling on the
grass. Subtle in my subtleness!
    "Er... yes,
OK."
    Sitting beside
me, he looked puzzled. I doubted that many women were as blatant as
I'd been! No chat up lines, no discreet come on... My mind swirled
with images of Tony, his name reverberating through my spinning
head. Trying to focus on the