The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass Read Online Free PDF

you’d please, I’d like to get that food you just put in front of me into my stomach before it dawns on me what the fuck it is.

CHROME LIMBS
     
    New Rule: Stop with Michelle Obama’s arms. Women were clamoring for the issue of Women’s Health magazine in which Michelle’s trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don’t buy that, because First Lady Laura Bush’s arms never got that cut, and she spent eight years holding on to a dumbbell.

CHUBBY CHECKER
     

     
    New Rule: Before telling me all about your Let’s Move healthy-schools program, you have to explain why the kid in your poster has an erection.

CLAMBER ALERT
     
    New Rule: The shirtless douche bag who climbs up on a light post at every spontaneous street celebration must be Tasered immediately. No one is thinking, “Hey, look at that guy high above the rest of us—he’s our leader.” We’re all thinking, “Why’d he wear shorts? I can see his nuts.”

CLASP WARFARE
     
    New Rule: When the news story about record home foreclosures is followed immediately by the story about Victoria’s Secret’s new $2 million jewel-encrusted bra, maybe it is time to redistribute the wealth. The bra contains 1,542 carats of white diamonds, blue sapphires, and blue topaz set in 18-carat white gold. And yet it’s still an annoying eyesore when you leave it hanging over the shower rod.

CLASS ACTION
     
    New Rule: Scientists must tell us what’s in Tampa’s drinking water that makes teachers want to fuck their students. Remember Debra Lafave of Tampa? Well, three more Tampa schoolmarms have been arrested for having sex with kids in their class. Authorities are warning parents to look for telltale signs of an affair, like a sudden change in your child’s behavior or a note on his report card that says, “Tommy is a pleasure to have in my vagina.”

CLAYDAR
     

     
    New Rule: You can’t call it coming out of the closet when the door was wide open, the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex. Clay Aiken says he came out because he didn’t want to lie to his infant son. Dude, even the baby knew you were gay. I can’t wait to see next week’s issue of People.

     

CLERK BAR
     
    New Rule: The lady at the drugstore doesn’t have to wear a lab coat. You’re not Madame Curie, and I’m not shopping for radium. With all due respect, professor, I just want some beer and some Slim Jims, and everywhere else was closed.

CLOTHES CALL
     

     
    New Rule: Ed Hardy fashions need more shit going on. When I run into someone in an Ed Hardy getup, I don’t know whether to compliment his style or start looking for Waldo.

CLUB FOR GROWTH
     
    New Rule: California, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries, must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That’s how we’ll get out of this budget crisis—by holding a “baked sale.” It’s the perfect solution. We need the cash . . . and Arizona needs to chill the fuck out.

CLUELESS
     
    New Rule: The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the People magazine crossword puzzle has to be ashamed of themselves. I don’t know who you are, but “Desperate _____wives”? Nothing? A three-letter word for “Writing utensil, you’re holding it in your hand.” Here’s one more for you: Four letters, begins with a v, something you shouldn’t be allowed to do this November.

COIF DROP
     
    New Rule: If you see me every day and then I get a haircut, you don’t have to ask me, “Hey, did you get a haircut?” No. No. I’m the one person on the planet whose hair grows in reverse. And in a completely neat and uniform way. Isn’t that weird? I’m like the Benjamin Button of hair. I’ve been to the Mayo Clinic, Mass General, Johns Hopkins—no one can figure it out. And now they want to call the condition Maherism. But who wants to be remembered that way? As a man whose