The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass Read Online Free PDF Page A
Author: Bill Maher
ladies sure can run.
CARGO KIDDER
New Rule: Spirit Airlines, the airline that wants to charge for carry-on baggage, must merge with . . .
. . . Ryanair, the airline that wants to charge for using the washroom, and form a new carrier:
CELL MATE
New Rule: If this device tracks my every move, down to the second, but it still won’t let me talk, it’s not a phone, it’s a woman.
HYPE-OCHONDRIA
New Rule: Drug companies have to stop making up diseases. I don’t know what the terrorists are planning next for America, but if I had every problem they talk about in medicine commercials—breathing, lifting, walking, sitting, sleeping, crapping, not crapping, getting a boner, and male pattern menopause—I’d welcome death. Bring it on. Deadly nerve gas? Please, I’ve got seasonal allergies!
It seems like every time I turn on the TV these days I see some ad for some drug I never heard of to treat some disease I never heard of. That’s not a stomachache you have from eating the chili-cheese fries at Johnny Rockets, it’s irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS. Or, as I call it, BS. Which would also apply to the dreaded social anxiety disorder, or, as we used to call it, shyness—and we treated it with an old home remedy: scotch and water.
Your wife doesn’t get turned on? It couldn’t be because you’re a snowman-shaped sausage casing so full of beer you sweat hops. It’s because she has female sexual dysfunction. And before they came up with restless leg syndrome, did it even exist? Did you ever hear someone say, “Sorry I couldn’t make the party, Bill, the old restless leg was acting up”?
I’m waiting for the ad that tells me my morning hard-on is actually superfluous rigidity syndrome, or SRS, and has a cartoon bunny who says, “Are you bothered by morning stiffness? Try Flaccidix. Flaccidix is specially formulated to make your penis shiny and more manageable. Side effects? You bleed from your pores, then explode and die. And/or dry mouth.”
—April 28, 2006
CHAI NOON
New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job.
CHAIN OF FOOLS
New Rule: The next clever thing you invent that conveniently fits on my keychain must be a device that helps me lift my keychain. Thanks to the dongle that unlocks my car, the gadget that stores my computer files, and the dingus that gives me my supermarket discounts, I’m now the dorkus who can barely get my keys into my pocket. And no, geeks, that bulge in your pants doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like you have a Swiss Army penis.
CHICK CORNEA
New Rule: Don’t keep the Super Glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and—yes, she Super Glued her eyes shut. And after seeing what happened, her husband of many years took the Super Glue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
CHIME AND PUNISHMENT
New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It’s not like you’re doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck?
CHINA FILL-UPS
New Rule: You can mess with your friends when they pass out, but not in the ass. When a Chinese man passed out drunk, his friends thought it’d be funny if they placed a live eel in his rectum. And then it gnawed through his guts and he died. The worst part of this story? That’s how they make moo goo gai pan.
CHOP STICKLERS
New Rule: Waiters in Asian restaurants have to stop giving me attitude when I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime, you know. Now, if
CARGO KIDDER
New Rule: Spirit Airlines, the airline that wants to charge for carry-on baggage, must merge with . . .
. . . Ryanair, the airline that wants to charge for using the washroom, and form a new carrier:
CELL MATE
New Rule: If this device tracks my every move, down to the second, but it still won’t let me talk, it’s not a phone, it’s a woman.
HYPE-OCHONDRIA
New Rule: Drug companies have to stop making up diseases. I don’t know what the terrorists are planning next for America, but if I had every problem they talk about in medicine commercials—breathing, lifting, walking, sitting, sleeping, crapping, not crapping, getting a boner, and male pattern menopause—I’d welcome death. Bring it on. Deadly nerve gas? Please, I’ve got seasonal allergies!
It seems like every time I turn on the TV these days I see some ad for some drug I never heard of to treat some disease I never heard of. That’s not a stomachache you have from eating the chili-cheese fries at Johnny Rockets, it’s irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS. Or, as I call it, BS. Which would also apply to the dreaded social anxiety disorder, or, as we used to call it, shyness—and we treated it with an old home remedy: scotch and water.
Your wife doesn’t get turned on? It couldn’t be because you’re a snowman-shaped sausage casing so full of beer you sweat hops. It’s because she has female sexual dysfunction. And before they came up with restless leg syndrome, did it even exist? Did you ever hear someone say, “Sorry I couldn’t make the party, Bill, the old restless leg was acting up”?
I’m waiting for the ad that tells me my morning hard-on is actually superfluous rigidity syndrome, or SRS, and has a cartoon bunny who says, “Are you bothered by morning stiffness? Try Flaccidix. Flaccidix is specially formulated to make your penis shiny and more manageable. Side effects? You bleed from your pores, then explode and die. And/or dry mouth.”
—April 28, 2006
CHAI NOON
New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job.
CHAIN OF FOOLS
New Rule: The next clever thing you invent that conveniently fits on my keychain must be a device that helps me lift my keychain. Thanks to the dongle that unlocks my car, the gadget that stores my computer files, and the dingus that gives me my supermarket discounts, I’m now the dorkus who can barely get my keys into my pocket. And no, geeks, that bulge in your pants doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like you have a Swiss Army penis.
CHICK CORNEA
New Rule: Don’t keep the Super Glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and—yes, she Super Glued her eyes shut. And after seeing what happened, her husband of many years took the Super Glue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
CHIME AND PUNISHMENT
New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It’s not like you’re doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck?
CHINA FILL-UPS
New Rule: You can mess with your friends when they pass out, but not in the ass. When a Chinese man passed out drunk, his friends thought it’d be funny if they placed a live eel in his rectum. And then it gnawed through his guts and he died. The worst part of this story? That’s how they make moo goo gai pan.
CHOP STICKLERS
New Rule: Waiters in Asian restaurants have to stop giving me attitude when I ask for a fork. It’s not a hate crime, you know. Now, if
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