The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass Read Online Free PDF Page B

hair grew back into his head every six weeks or so? Whose hair will one day grow all the way into my brain and then come out my eyeballs. Oh, the shame of it! Please, oh, vengeful God, take me now! . . . Yes, I got a haircut.

COLLECTILE DYSFUNCTION
     
    New Rule: Scientists must explain why we will stop and watch a movie on cable even though we own that exact same movie on DVD and could watch it anytime we want. I call it Shawshank syndrome, and I’ve realized DVDs are a lot like marriage. When it’s there every single night just sitting right in front of you . . . for some reason, you don’t feel like putting it in.

COLOR COMMENTARY
     

     
    New Rule: It’s okay for a black man to be the dumb guy in a commercial. It seems like in every commercial on television it’s always the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, knows the best car-rental company, knows the best place to buy music. Black people aren’t always smarter than white people. It just sometimes seems that way by comparison.

     

COME ON, STYRENE
     
    New Rule: Stacking cups is not a sport. ESPN has been airing the World Sport Stacking Championships, where kids stack and unstack pyramids of plastic cups at lightning speed. It’s all the pageantry of Little League combined with all the suspense of watching someone unload a dishwasher. Here’s how you know a skill isn’t really a sport: when “turning pro” means you’re a barback.

COMPUTER CRASH
     

     
    New Rule: Instead of getting me the new steering-wheel desk for my birthday, save the $19.99 and just write “I hope you die” on a card.

CONDOMNATION
     
    New Rule: Condoms are not sex toys. Trojan has released a new line of condoms that vibrate and heat up. Look, condoms keep people from getting AIDS and the clap. Haven’t they done enough? You want to improve condoms? Invent a wrapper guys can open before they lose their hard-on.

CORDON BLEW
     
    New Rule: Celebrity chefs have to get over themselves. At Mario Bata-li’s new $12 million New York City eatery, he’s serving a pasta dish with black truffles, cockscombs, and duck testicles. Okay, I’m trying to eat dinner,  not pledge a fraternity. Though I must admit: The spit-roasted Latvian mongoose wrapped in the saffron-encrusted gingerweed served in a fifteenth-century Aztec war mask was to die for.

CORK BLOCKER
     
    New Rule: Don’t bring wine to my dinner party. Because then if you drink it, it’s not really a gift, is it? But if I choose a different wine, you’re thinking, “What the hell’s wrong with the bottle I brought?” And when you bring wine and then say, “I don’t drink,” what kind of condescending crap is that ? Your cute little gift is such a minefield of potential awkwardness; thank God I’m already high.

CORN ON MACABRE
     
    New Rule: Don’t try and make the boring parts of a horror movie scary by having someone—who’s not the killer—jump out and scare someone “just for fun.” It’s like making a porn movie where a hot-looking maid enters the scene and you think she’s going to blow you, but it turns out she’s just there to dust.

COURSE LOAD
     
    New Rule: College students are allowed to masturbate. Towson University forced the editor of the student paper to resign after he ran a column about masturbation. I don’t know what’s sadder: that colleges can still be this squeamish or that college kids need to be taught how to rub one out. Besides, when it comes to jerk-off columnists, you just can’t beat George Will.

COUTURE CLASH
     
    New Rule: You can’t wear a Che Guevara T-shirt with your designer jeans, unless you’re trying to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers, the other was sewn by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more coke.
    PRIDE OF THE YANKEES
     
    New Rule: America must stop bragging it’s the greatest country on earth, and start acting like it. I know this is uncomfortable for the “faith over facts” crowd,