The Language Inside Read Online Free PDF

back at her
    and she seems to gaze at the letter board
    so I say the colors and letters
    and she spells
    e-a-r-t-h-q-u-
    and I guess the end
    and tell her about the quake
    and tsunami
    and Madoka’s relatives
    and the ongoing cleanup work
    okay, now you
I say
    anxious to turn the conversation
    to her but she stares at me
    and spells
    s-o s-o-r-r-y
    and I nod
    say
thanks

     
    when she continues to stare
    I do the colors and letters again
    and she spells
    r u i-n l-o-v-e
    and I can’t believe she asked me that
    I roll my eyes
    say
no!
    and she makes that growl sound again
    now you
I say
    this time firmly
    a self-introduction!

     
    I ask Zena questions
    are you from Massachusetts?
    her eyes go up
    this town?
    her eyes go up
    maybe you knew my grandmother—
    Elena Karas? Contos before she married . . . 
    Zena’s eyes don’t move
    so I ask
how old are you?
    then flinch
    sorry! that was rude
    Zena looks at the letter board
    chooses orange, the last row
    where in one box it says
numbers
    so I count for her by tens, then ones
    and discover she’s 46
    even though she looks
    older than YiaYia
    who’s 71
    I take off my sweatshirt
    flushed and embarrassed
    feeling like a total failure at this

     
    is purple your favorite color?
I ask
    her eyes go up
    will you dress up for Halloween?
I ask
    her eyes go up
    as what?
I ask
    m-e-r-m-a-i-d
she spells
    and I laugh and tell her she’ll be a great mermaid
    and I’ll help her with her costume
    then I say
so,
should I bring some poems
    to read next time before we write?
    her eyes go up
    I’m not sure what else to ask
    but then I remember that question
    she asked me
    are you in love?
    Zena looks up
    and she growls
    and she eyes the letter board
    so I hold it up and she spells
    s-e-x-y m-a-n
    and I crack up
    time to write poems!
I say

     
    so we start
    and it is slow
    this one-letter-at-a-time thing
    I try guessing words partway through
    but if I guess too soon Zena gets mad
    once I guess
    dryer? drugstore? dressing room?
    before she’s finished the word
    then she starts again, spells
    d-o-d-o
    and glares
    at me
    I bow, apologize
    start again
    and follow her exactly
    without rushing
    and now we have a first line
    which I realize is a line
    because she chooses a slash:
        
I open the door to my dreams

     
    next line
I say
    but Zena doesn’t look up
    no? there’s more for this line?
    but still she doesn’t look up
    we go back to the letter board
    and she spells
u
    you?
I ask
    you mean me?
    her eyes go up
    and then I get it
    she wants us to take turns
    so I say
okay,
read
        
I open the door to my dreams
    and add the line
        
and see the face . . . 

     
    your turn
I say
    and slowly Zena spells
        
of the one I love
    and I see she is playing a game
    trying to trap me
    into revealing something personal
    so I say
        
gazing back at me
    then she spells
        
in fear
    so I say
        
and adoration
    and then I hear someone behind me
    and Sam is standing there
    in the doorway
    and I feel my face go hot
    and Zena’s eyes go up
    and she growls

     
    we’re almost done
    I say to Sam
    he says
take your time
    and comes into the room
    and leans on the windowsill
    and I think by his broad shoulders there
    outlined by the late-afternoon light
    he must be a swimmer

     
    Zena and I
    go back and forth and at last
    we’ve written
        
I open the door to my dreams
        
and see the face
        
of the one I love
        
gazing back at me
        
in fear
        
and adoration
        
and wonder
        
then I know
        
this is the face
        
of the one who is
        
my daughter
    and I’m surprised by her last line
    expecting something instead about her
    s-e-x-y m-a-n
    I ask if we’ve finished the poem
    but Zena doesn’t look up
    and I realize it’s my turn
    so I think
    then add the line
        
to be

     
    Zena looks up
    when I add that
    but