The Language Inside Read Online Free PDF Page A

saying
    Zena’s a sweetie
    she’s got spunk, too
    you’ll love working with her
    when her eyes go up, that’s yes
    that’s all you have to know
    oh, and that a slash means
    the end of a line in a poem
    usually she’s in her chair
    but that’s being fixed today

     
    and then we’re outside
    room 448
    I take a deep breath
    and in we go

     
    she is just a head propped up on a pillow
    the rest of her hidden beneath
    covers, her graying hair
    brushed back and clipped
    with purple barrettes on either side
    her eyes follow me
    and seem to smile
    Lin says
    Zena Hickox
    this is Emma Karas
    who will help you write
    your masterpieces
    and Zena’s eyes look up

     
    Lin shows me the letter board, says
    there’s more sophisticated equipment
    computers that track eye movement
    but until an angel comes along
    to help us fund such a system
    this is what we have
    she holds up a piece of laminated paper
    with the alphabet in five rows
    each row colored different
                   red, yellow, blue, green, purple
                   and in the last row—orange—
                   small words, question words
                   numbers, symbols
    Lin shows me how to hold it up
    and say the colors
    then the letters of that row
    watching for when Zena’s eyes go up
    to find which letter or small word
    or symbol she means
    and then I realize
    I will be helping her write poems
    letter by letter
    and I start to panic

     
    okay, honey?
Lin says
    and I want to say
no way!
    I want to say
I have to go
    this was a mistake
    and I’m wishing YiaYia
    had found me volunteer work
    in a soup kitchen
    or tutoring kids
    or river cleanup
    anything else . . . 
    but I nod
    okay, Zena?
Lin says
    and Zena’s eyes
    go up

     
    Lin walks out the door
    and then it’s just me and Zena
    and the sounds of whatever she’s
    hooked up to
    which I try not to look at
    or think about
    and I don’t know what to say

     
    I sit down on the chair by her bed
    arrange my jacket over the chairback
    set my pack on the floor
    pull out a notebook and pen
    open to a page of blank paper
    take a deep breath
    then glance at her
    she looks up
    I like your barrettes
I say
    her eyes roll up
    and I’m relieved
    but I don’t know what else to say
    to someone who can’t talk
    so I unzip my sweatshirt
    and waste some time
    arranging my sleeves

     
    shall we start?
I finally say
    but she looks straight at me
    I mean with a poem
I add
    still she doesn’t look up
    and I’m thinking I might need
    to go get one of the aides
    but then I try
    you want to do something else?
    and she looks up
    I don’t know what it is
    so I pick up the letter board
    and say the colors—
red, yellow
 . . . 
    and run my fingers over the letters
    of the row she selects
    as I say them
    i-n-t-r-o
she spells
    introduction?
I ask
    and Zena looks up
    like self-introductions?
I ask
    and Zena looks up again

     
    ah!
I say, so relieved
    to have figured out what she means
    that I jump right in blabbing
    that I grew up in Japan
    and went to Japanese schools
    then switched to international school last year
    but had to move here to my grandmother’s house
    because of my mother’s . . . 
                                            breast
    Zena’s mouth goes wide
    and she makes a throaty sound
    and at first I think she’s choking
    or I’ve made an embarrassing mistake
    but her eyes seem to smile
    and I realize this growl is her laugh

     
    I go on to explain the first surgery
    and the second surgery coming up
    and how we’ll live here till Mom recovers
    and maybe longer
    we just don’t know
    and I say
    but I miss Japan
    like I’m missing a person
    and I don’t know why this is all coming
    out of me because I never talk like this
    to anyone

     
    I say to Zena
now your turn
    but her eyes don’t go up
    I stare